There's so much that I want to say...but I don't know how to say it. I'm not a whiner. I'm not a complainer. I'm hopelessly optimistic and a hopeless romantic. But I know how to deal with those emotions...that's the easy stuff. It's when things get hard. That's when I feel the need to consult everyone and their uncle. That's when I feel the need to "unload". Not whine. Not complain. Just get it off my chest, so that I don't burden the person in question -- with all those issues. Make sense? I dunno...it's just the way I'm hardwired.
Jon just got back from his first mission. I didn't hear from him while he was gone. Come to find out later, he forgot to pack my phone number, and didn't have it memorized. The only person he did call, while out on the road, was his mother, and he made sure to ask her how I was doing, and tell her about the phone number snafu. I took that as a positive sign. Actually, I took that as one positive sign in a series of positive signs. Up to the point when he took off, I heard from him every other day.
Yes, you read that right. Every other day.
Not bad for two people who aren't dating, right?
I didn't get into what happened the last time Jon and I actually saw each other in person. We left it at, "Let's see where we are in a year," but as soon as we did, he turned his motor into overdrive. He called more than ever before, and it seemed like our spark...re-sparked. Or at the very least, had a gallon of lighter fluid poured on it.
So I've been hanging on. I told myself that I wouldn't. I told myself that I would move on, and be open to seeing other people. I told myself that if the right person came along, I wouldn't pass up on the opportunity. But by that same token, I told myself that if my heart was still hooked, that I'd let it be hooked. Not to the point where it was detrimental to my own well being, but I gave myself permission to hold on.
That's exactly what I've been doing with Jon. And the signs (up to this point) have been favorable. No guy would waste his time calling you from a war zone if there weren't at least some feelings there. And he certainly wouldn't talk to you for 27 minutes just for the hell of it. He talked to me about moving to Pennsylvania (p.s. did I mention I'm moving? I am. At the end of the month). He mentioned transferring to the Pennsylvania National Guard. He's still talking about me to all the men in his unit, who are now razzing him for talking to me, and continuing to stay involved, after he essentially swore-me-off at the BBQ from hell in July. Would you really talk to your boys about me, my future job, and my big move if you didn't care? Would you call me every other day? I've let myself believe that these are signs that he still cares, but is just incredibly scared. I've written him letters every other day. I've sent a care package, I even caught myself referring to him as my boyfriend a couple times. None of this really bothers me if it all works out in the end. But the question is...
will it?
Or...will I wait a year, holding on to something that doesn't exist...continue sleeping with my phone...hanging on his every word...writing him, supporting him, loving him...just to have my heart smashed into a million itty bitty pieces when he comes home in June? I can't fathom going through that much pain again. I can't. I simply can't.
But when I get snapped at on the phone today at 6am...when the only thing he has to say after receiving 150 phone cards in the mail is, "you didn't pay for these, did you?"...when I jokingly say, "You laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuv me," and he tells me not to put words in his mouth and spoon feed him his feelings...when he tells me it bothers him that I talk to his family, when just a week ago...he told me it didn't bother him at all...well...what am I supposed to think?
It seems so out of character, based on his actions for the past month. I'm hoping he'll snap out of it. I'm hoping his first mission was just stressful, and I was his verbal punching bag. I'm hoping that tomorrow my sweet little Jon will come back...because that phone call?
left a sour taste in my mouth.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
twenty.seven.minutes.
27 minutes. I got to talk to him for 27 minutes. You would have thought it was 8 hours. I can't tell you the last time we talked for 27 minutes. Actually...I'm not sure we've *ever* talked for 27 minutes, and I certainly didn't think the first time we'd hit that milestone would be while he was in Kuwait.
It makes me smile.
It warms my heart.
And it re-charges my loneliness battery.
The way I see it...I have at least another week or two before I'm chomping at the bit to hear his voice again. Oh...his voice. You have no idea how nice it was to hear that voice. To hear him laugh. The connection was far clearer than I thought...it was almost like he was across town instead of across the globe. God, it was just so nice. I can't describe it.
I love him...I really, really do...
...and every last second of those 27 minutes.
It makes me smile.
It warms my heart.
And it re-charges my loneliness battery.
The way I see it...I have at least another week or two before I'm chomping at the bit to hear his voice again. Oh...his voice. You have no idea how nice it was to hear that voice. To hear him laugh. The connection was far clearer than I thought...it was almost like he was across town instead of across the globe. God, it was just so nice. I can't describe it.
I love him...I really, really do...
...and every last second of those 27 minutes.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Just ring!
Come on phone...I know you can do it. I know you have it in you. Ring. It's really easy. I'm dying over here.
Please...
Just ring.
Please...
Just ring.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Good Bye #4
I just said good bye...for the fourth time. It never gets any easier.
The first time was at his deployment ceremony in May, the second at the BBQ from hell at Fort McCoy, the third in the parking lot of a Dick's Sporting Goods, and the fourth, as I washed dishes in my apartment.
He's boarding a plane as we speak. Getting ready to take a 20-hour flight to the unknown. 20 hours closer to death, destruction, war...and 20 hours further away from me.
I didn't cry. I haven't cried since the BBQ, not a single tear. Which is a good thing. It's a great thing actually. The stronger I am, the stronger he is, the more he opens up to me, the more he trusts me, and the closer we get.
One day at a time. Just keep swimming.
He told me he'd let me know once he landed. I'm not sure if that means he'll be calling...or e-mailing or what. I can't wait.
It's our fourth good bye...and certainly not our last...but the best part of that is - that only means there will be that many more hello's.
Love you Jon. Fly safe. See you soon.
The first time was at his deployment ceremony in May, the second at the BBQ from hell at Fort McCoy, the third in the parking lot of a Dick's Sporting Goods, and the fourth, as I washed dishes in my apartment.
He's boarding a plane as we speak. Getting ready to take a 20-hour flight to the unknown. 20 hours closer to death, destruction, war...and 20 hours further away from me.
I didn't cry. I haven't cried since the BBQ, not a single tear. Which is a good thing. It's a great thing actually. The stronger I am, the stronger he is, the more he opens up to me, the more he trusts me, and the closer we get.
One day at a time. Just keep swimming.
He told me he'd let me know once he landed. I'm not sure if that means he'll be calling...or e-mailing or what. I can't wait.
It's our fourth good bye...and certainly not our last...but the best part of that is - that only means there will be that many more hello's.
Love you Jon. Fly safe. See you soon.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Just Keep Swimming...
I think Nemo had it right. I just need to keep swimming. Not treading water. Not fighting for air...not trying to keep my head above the water.
JUST SWIMMING.
I need to keep moving forward. Quit overanalyzing. Relax...and just be. It isn't easy. Actually...it's a daily struggle, but it's what he needs me to do...and what he deserves.
My Army Counselor friend said it best.
"Sarah, if you want this...you have to fight for it. This isn't easy. Nothing about this is easy. But it isn't easy for him either. He's literally going to work every day knowing that might not ever come back. Name one other job that's like that. You can't. You can't imagine what it's like. No one can. But that's his reality. That's his life. He needs you now more than ever, he just can't say it. If you love him, you need to ride this rollercoaster with him. You need to fight for him. You need to support him. And you need to be strong enough to ignore every other non-military person that comes your way that tells you, 'You deserve better,' 'You're wasting your time,' 'He isn't worth it,' 'What are you doing?' They don't get it. They never will. The Army is a way of life. It's challenging, it's tough, it's trying...but it's worth it. And if he's worth it - You need to fight for him."
So, that's what I'm doing. Fighting. Every day. Fighting to make it to the next day. Fighting to weather the storm. And fighting to focus on the positive. Because it's there.
He called today and we talked for half an hour. He gave me a pep talk for my job interview on Monday, and empowered me like you wouldn't believe. He told me he still looks at all my pictures on Facebook, and ::gasp:: has all of my voicemails saved on his phone (and still listens to them). He also said...multiple times how much he cared...and that things just weren't working right now (with a pretty heavy emphasis on the right now). He also made it pretty clear that he isn't waiting until he gets home in June to see me, but plans on seeing me on his leave to sort things out...and if I can't come to Minnesota...he'll come to me, no matter where I end up.
All too often, the good outweighs the bad...I'm just so wrapped up in worry, I can't see it clearly.
I love him. He's worth the fight. I just need to keep on swimming...
JUST SWIMMING.
I need to keep moving forward. Quit overanalyzing. Relax...and just be. It isn't easy. Actually...it's a daily struggle, but it's what he needs me to do...and what he deserves.
My Army Counselor friend said it best.
"Sarah, if you want this...you have to fight for it. This isn't easy. Nothing about this is easy. But it isn't easy for him either. He's literally going to work every day knowing that might not ever come back. Name one other job that's like that. You can't. You can't imagine what it's like. No one can. But that's his reality. That's his life. He needs you now more than ever, he just can't say it. If you love him, you need to ride this rollercoaster with him. You need to fight for him. You need to support him. And you need to be strong enough to ignore every other non-military person that comes your way that tells you, 'You deserve better,' 'You're wasting your time,' 'He isn't worth it,' 'What are you doing?' They don't get it. They never will. The Army is a way of life. It's challenging, it's tough, it's trying...but it's worth it. And if he's worth it - You need to fight for him."
So, that's what I'm doing. Fighting. Every day. Fighting to make it to the next day. Fighting to weather the storm. And fighting to focus on the positive. Because it's there.
He called today and we talked for half an hour. He gave me a pep talk for my job interview on Monday, and empowered me like you wouldn't believe. He told me he still looks at all my pictures on Facebook, and ::gasp:: has all of my voicemails saved on his phone (and still listens to them). He also said...multiple times how much he cared...and that things just weren't working right now (with a pretty heavy emphasis on the right now). He also made it pretty clear that he isn't waiting until he gets home in June to see me, but plans on seeing me on his leave to sort things out...and if I can't come to Minnesota...he'll come to me, no matter where I end up.
All too often, the good outweighs the bad...I'm just so wrapped up in worry, I can't see it clearly.
I love him. He's worth the fight. I just need to keep on swimming...
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Still feels like 5 months to me...
I read through a bunch of these posts yesterday, and I sound crazy. Like legitimately crazy.
I assure you, I'm not.
I'm just going through a lot and trying to make sense of it all. Unfortunately for you, that process unfolds right here in this blog, because I'd rather hash it all out here, than dump it all on my friends in an hour-long phone call. It just so happens that the only stuff I need help sorting out, is stuff that gets me in a tizzy. No sense in blogging about run-of-the-mill things, right?
Well, I've had a change of heart. Today, I am going to look back on a very happy moment in my life...
...and it just so happens to be five months ago today.
If you know me at all, you know this story. I love to tell it. In fact, even thinking about telling it has brought a smile to my face :)
So - let's go back to five months ago. Actually...let's go back a few days further.
A week actually.
5 months. 1 week.
I met the love of my life.
I was ready to give up on men. I've dated a lot of doozies, got played better than a deck of cards, and was really ready to join the nunnery and commit myself to lesbianism (ok, not really...but I was pretty close to having my carpet bag packed, and only one phone call away from having my "Sound of Music" moment of joining the sisterhood. Seriously.) It was the day after Valentine's Day, I was as single as they come, and I was nursing a broken heart and a busted knee (My Valentine's Day present to myself was a torn meniscus). I didn't go out for Valentine's Day, and really didn't really expect the day after to be much different.
And then my phone rang.
It was my friend Christine.
C: "So, my friend wants to date you."
S: "Good for him. Not gonna happen."
C: "Oh come on...just one date. What's one blind date?"
S: "After the dates I've been on recently? A lot. Sorry, Christine. I just really don't want to."
C: "But he's so nice!"
S: "That's code word for ugly."
C: "No, we called him Beefy Jon in high school."
S: "Christine...I love you. But no. I really don't want to date anyone right now."
C: "One date. Come on. One date."
S: "Fine...if you want to set up a giant group date...invite the gay husbands and everything...that's fine. I'll do that. Meet up for drinks in a group setting? I'll do that. But no blind dates."
C: "Ok, I'll have to call him and see when he's available."
S: "That's fine."
C: "It'll probably be sometime next week."
S: "Again. That's fine. Doesn't really matter...I'm only doing this because I love you. Lesbian. Nunnery. Carpet bag. Remember?"
C: "Ha. Got it. We'll be in touch."
5 minutes later...
C: "We'll meet you at Beetle's in an hour."
S: "What?"
C: "I called, he's on his way down from Eagan, we're on our way from Albert Lea. We'll be there in 45 minutes, and there's nothing you can do about it, because we're already in the car. See you there."
S: "I seriously hate you. What happened to next week? Christine...I'm not putting any effort into this. I'm not changing...not doing my hair...not touching up my make-up..."
C: "That's fine. See you in 45 minutes."
S: "I seriously hate you."
C: "Love you! Bye."
So I really didn't touch myself up at all. I wore the same jeans and cardigan that I wore to volunteering that day. I was showing up as is...and that's all there was to it.
Christine and her friend Tif beat me to the restaurant. Then game our gay husbands...and then.
"Jonny!!!"
My back was towards the door. I had no idea what he looked like. My first thought? "Please don't be ugly, please don't be ugly, please don't be ugly." That thought was immediately replaced with, "OH SHIT!" The moment he came around the corner.
Beefy Jon lived up to his name. He wasn't just "Beefy" -- he was gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. I instantly regretted my stupid, frumpy cardigan, messy hair and lack of make-up. DAMN IT Christine!! Why didn't you tell me this man was drop-dead gorgeous? Seriously!! "Nice" was the best adjective you could come up with?!? Ugh.
I don't really remember what we talked about. I remember that conversation was awkward at points, and my gay husband did his best to completely mortify me in front of him. What I do remember about that night, is that I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Occasionally our eyes would lock across the table, we'd wink and blush, and look away. It was flirtation at its finest. Then...one by one, my friends started disappearing...until we were the only two left at the table. I moved in closer, and I distinctly remember thinking, "This guy isn't at all interested in me." I made the first move (which, according to my memory, was me locking arms with him, but according to his memory, was a kiss on the cheek). Soon after, he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek and whispered, "That's all you're going to get" before flashing a devilish grin. After awhile...we mosied (sp?) our way to the parking lot...and what happened next was nothing short of majestic. He walks me to my car, looks me in the eyes and says, "Oh what the hell," cradles my head in his hands and pulls me in for one of the most romantic kisses of my life. It was seriously perfect.
I saw fireworks. Literally.
That kiss sealed the deal for me. The butterflies started fluttering in my belly, I started falling head over heels, and I knew at that instant there was no one else I'd rather be with. Sounds corny...but it's so true. I fell for him at that very moment. The kisses that followed only confirmed what my heart already knew. I think he knew it too -- because he was trembling, and it wasn't because he was cold. He said so.
We stood in the parking lot forever. Neither one of us wanting to be the first one to walk away. Neither one of us wanting that moment to end. Eventually -- we had no other choice. We went our separate ways, and within 30 seconds, my phone was ringing.
J: "Did you see them?"
S: "See what?"
J: "The fireworks."
S: <laughs> "How could I not?"
J: "Good. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one."
S: "No, you definitely weren't."
J: "I feel like I'm in middle school all over again. I can't wait to see you again. Can I drive back down tomorow?"
And with that...we had date #2.
For the next week, Jonny asked me to be his girlfriend in every conversation we had.
S: "You can't ask me over the phone!! That's not how this works. Besides, you barely know me."
J: "I know enough."
S: "Well, you can't ask over the phone. You'll just have to wait."
And then, less than one week after our first date, on February 21st, I made my first trip up to his house in Eagan. There was a horrible blizzard that day. I was driving at a snail's pace...passing all sorts of accidents and wrecks on the way up, but nothing was going to stop me from seeing him. The hour-and-a-half long drive, ended up taking almost three and a half hours. By the time I got there, I was white knuckled, worn out, exhausted...and couldn't find the house. He ran outside in the blizzard to flag me in, I parked the car, he opened the door for me, and before I could even get my seat belt off, he said, "How about now? Now will you be my girlfriend?"
It was adorable. We sealed it with a kiss and the rest is history.
He may not be my boyfriend now, but I still want him to be. I still love him. I adore him. I miss him, and I want him to be mine.
So baby? Happy Anniversary. We may not be together anymore...
but it still feels like five months to me.
I assure you, I'm not.
I'm just going through a lot and trying to make sense of it all. Unfortunately for you, that process unfolds right here in this blog, because I'd rather hash it all out here, than dump it all on my friends in an hour-long phone call. It just so happens that the only stuff I need help sorting out, is stuff that gets me in a tizzy. No sense in blogging about run-of-the-mill things, right?
Well, I've had a change of heart. Today, I am going to look back on a very happy moment in my life...
...and it just so happens to be five months ago today.
If you know me at all, you know this story. I love to tell it. In fact, even thinking about telling it has brought a smile to my face :)
So - let's go back to five months ago. Actually...let's go back a few days further.
A week actually.
5 months. 1 week.
I met the love of my life.
I was ready to give up on men. I've dated a lot of doozies, got played better than a deck of cards, and was really ready to join the nunnery and commit myself to lesbianism (ok, not really...but I was pretty close to having my carpet bag packed, and only one phone call away from having my "Sound of Music" moment of joining the sisterhood. Seriously.) It was the day after Valentine's Day, I was as single as they come, and I was nursing a broken heart and a busted knee (My Valentine's Day present to myself was a torn meniscus). I didn't go out for Valentine's Day, and really didn't really expect the day after to be much different.
And then my phone rang.
It was my friend Christine.
C: "So, my friend wants to date you."
S: "Good for him. Not gonna happen."
C: "Oh come on...just one date. What's one blind date?"
S: "After the dates I've been on recently? A lot. Sorry, Christine. I just really don't want to."
C: "But he's so nice!"
S: "That's code word for ugly."
C: "No, we called him Beefy Jon in high school."
S: "Christine...I love you. But no. I really don't want to date anyone right now."
C: "One date. Come on. One date."
S: "Fine...if you want to set up a giant group date...invite the gay husbands and everything...that's fine. I'll do that. Meet up for drinks in a group setting? I'll do that. But no blind dates."
C: "Ok, I'll have to call him and see when he's available."
S: "That's fine."
C: "It'll probably be sometime next week."
S: "Again. That's fine. Doesn't really matter...I'm only doing this because I love you. Lesbian. Nunnery. Carpet bag. Remember?"
C: "Ha. Got it. We'll be in touch."
5 minutes later...
C: "We'll meet you at Beetle's in an hour."
S: "What?"
C: "I called, he's on his way down from Eagan, we're on our way from Albert Lea. We'll be there in 45 minutes, and there's nothing you can do about it, because we're already in the car. See you there."
S: "I seriously hate you. What happened to next week? Christine...I'm not putting any effort into this. I'm not changing...not doing my hair...not touching up my make-up..."
C: "That's fine. See you in 45 minutes."
S: "I seriously hate you."
C: "Love you! Bye."
So I really didn't touch myself up at all. I wore the same jeans and cardigan that I wore to volunteering that day. I was showing up as is...and that's all there was to it.
Christine and her friend Tif beat me to the restaurant. Then game our gay husbands...and then.
"Jonny!!!"
My back was towards the door. I had no idea what he looked like. My first thought? "Please don't be ugly, please don't be ugly, please don't be ugly." That thought was immediately replaced with, "OH SHIT!" The moment he came around the corner.
Beefy Jon lived up to his name. He wasn't just "Beefy" -- he was gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. I instantly regretted my stupid, frumpy cardigan, messy hair and lack of make-up. DAMN IT Christine!! Why didn't you tell me this man was drop-dead gorgeous? Seriously!! "Nice" was the best adjective you could come up with?!? Ugh.
I don't really remember what we talked about. I remember that conversation was awkward at points, and my gay husband did his best to completely mortify me in front of him. What I do remember about that night, is that I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Occasionally our eyes would lock across the table, we'd wink and blush, and look away. It was flirtation at its finest. Then...one by one, my friends started disappearing...until we were the only two left at the table. I moved in closer, and I distinctly remember thinking, "This guy isn't at all interested in me." I made the first move (which, according to my memory, was me locking arms with him, but according to his memory, was a kiss on the cheek). Soon after, he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek and whispered, "That's all you're going to get" before flashing a devilish grin. After awhile...we mosied (sp?) our way to the parking lot...and what happened next was nothing short of majestic. He walks me to my car, looks me in the eyes and says, "Oh what the hell," cradles my head in his hands and pulls me in for one of the most romantic kisses of my life. It was seriously perfect.
I saw fireworks. Literally.
That kiss sealed the deal for me. The butterflies started fluttering in my belly, I started falling head over heels, and I knew at that instant there was no one else I'd rather be with. Sounds corny...but it's so true. I fell for him at that very moment. The kisses that followed only confirmed what my heart already knew. I think he knew it too -- because he was trembling, and it wasn't because he was cold. He said so.
We stood in the parking lot forever. Neither one of us wanting to be the first one to walk away. Neither one of us wanting that moment to end. Eventually -- we had no other choice. We went our separate ways, and within 30 seconds, my phone was ringing.
J: "Did you see them?"
S: "See what?"
J: "The fireworks."
S: <laughs> "How could I not?"
J: "Good. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't the only one."
S: "No, you definitely weren't."
J: "I feel like I'm in middle school all over again. I can't wait to see you again. Can I drive back down tomorow?"
And with that...we had date #2.
For the next week, Jonny asked me to be his girlfriend in every conversation we had.
S: "You can't ask me over the phone!! That's not how this works. Besides, you barely know me."
J: "I know enough."
S: "Well, you can't ask over the phone. You'll just have to wait."
And then, less than one week after our first date, on February 21st, I made my first trip up to his house in Eagan. There was a horrible blizzard that day. I was driving at a snail's pace...passing all sorts of accidents and wrecks on the way up, but nothing was going to stop me from seeing him. The hour-and-a-half long drive, ended up taking almost three and a half hours. By the time I got there, I was white knuckled, worn out, exhausted...and couldn't find the house. He ran outside in the blizzard to flag me in, I parked the car, he opened the door for me, and before I could even get my seat belt off, he said, "How about now? Now will you be my girlfriend?"
It was adorable. We sealed it with a kiss and the rest is history.
He may not be my boyfriend now, but I still want him to be. I still love him. I adore him. I miss him, and I want him to be mine.
So baby? Happy Anniversary. We may not be together anymore...
but it still feels like five months to me.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
If I could turn back time...
These past few weeks have sucked. Absolutely sucked. I wish I could turn back the hands of time...I wish I could go back to May...back when I had a job...back before he left...do it all over and do it right this time. Focus less on forcing him to open up...focus less on my search for answers...and focus more on getting to know him...getting to know "us"...and showing him just how much I care. I want the chance to build a rock-solid, hurricane-proof foundation, capable of weathering any storm, and surviving deployment.
I wish, I wish, I wish.
I'm not sure what we are, or where we stand. Actually, let me rephrase. We're going to wait and see where we are in a year. There is no doubt that this will be the longest year of my life...because to me, nothing has changed. I still love him. I still want to be with him, and I still look at him as my better half, the love of my life, my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong...I have my guard up. I'm afraid of being hurt. Cautiously optimistic if you will...but still. I don't look at him as a stranger on the street...and I don't look at him as my "buddy". I'm trying to be the strong, silent type (uh...do you know me? That's easier said than done), but it's hard. I literally sit on my hands to stop myself from calling. For every text I send, there's a million more I wish I would have sent. ::sigh:: It's a daily struggle. I just wish I could turn back time. Go back to when we were falling for each other and not falling apart. I want my boyfriend back.
June of 2012 can't get here soon enough...
I wish, I wish, I wish.
I'm not sure what we are, or where we stand. Actually, let me rephrase. We're going to wait and see where we are in a year. There is no doubt that this will be the longest year of my life...because to me, nothing has changed. I still love him. I still want to be with him, and I still look at him as my better half, the love of my life, my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong...I have my guard up. I'm afraid of being hurt. Cautiously optimistic if you will...but still. I don't look at him as a stranger on the street...and I don't look at him as my "buddy". I'm trying to be the strong, silent type (uh...do you know me? That's easier said than done), but it's hard. I literally sit on my hands to stop myself from calling. For every text I send, there's a million more I wish I would have sent. ::sigh:: It's a daily struggle. I just wish I could turn back time. Go back to when we were falling for each other and not falling apart. I want my boyfriend back.
June of 2012 can't get here soon enough...
Saturday, July 9, 2011
One Day at a Time...
We're working on things.
My love for him is greater than my pain. And I'm pretty sure he feels the same way.
We'll get back to where we were. I feel it in my gut.
We just gotta get there...
one day at a time.
My love for him is greater than my pain. And I'm pretty sure he feels the same way.
We'll get back to where we were. I feel it in my gut.
We just gotta get there...
one day at a time.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
One more wake-up
My life has become a series of wake-ups. If I make it through the day...I only have one more wake-up til I make it through the next one.
I'm depressed.
I'm lonely.
I'm confused.
And the worst part is? I may never know the truth. I may never get the answers my heart wants. I may never know exactly what happened.
I don't like not knowing. It's eating me alive. Talking about it would help, but I'm so tired of talking about it. Ha. Mostly because the one person who could (so easily) clear the air, is the one person I'm not talking to at the moment.
We're taking a break...which I'm thinking will quickly become a break-up. And if it does?
I'll never get the answers I'm looking for.
One more wake-up.
I'm depressed.
I'm lonely.
I'm confused.
And the worst part is? I may never know the truth. I may never get the answers my heart wants. I may never know exactly what happened.
I don't like not knowing. It's eating me alive. Talking about it would help, but I'm so tired of talking about it. Ha. Mostly because the one person who could (so easily) clear the air, is the one person I'm not talking to at the moment.
We're taking a break...which I'm thinking will quickly become a break-up. And if it does?
I'll never get the answers I'm looking for.
One more wake-up.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Double Ugh
Just when you think it (really) can't get any worse.
He may (or may not) have cheated.
An RPG just hit me from the back...
and my world is slowly crumbling to pieces.
He may (or may not) have cheated.
An RPG just hit me from the back...
and my world is slowly crumbling to pieces.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Turning the Page
I've been reading a lot of books lately. Inundating myself with military knowledge. I'm on my fourth in about a month and a half. My absolute favorite was "Just Another Soldier" - I'll get into why in a different post, because this post has less to do with my favorite books, and more to do with a random epiphany of mine.
I'm about three quarters of the way through a book called "The Blog of War: Front-Line Dispatches from Soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan." It isn't anything like I thought it would be. Essentially, the author compiled hundreds of blogs into a book, divied them up into chapters based on common themes and called it good. I've read through chapters on deploying and Army medics, and a variety of other things just fine...and then I got to the one on death. I didn't want to read that chapter. I tried my best to avoid it...and did a really good job...for about a week. It was as if reading it somehow validated it. I refuse to accept the fact that death is a part of war. At least not now that I have a personal connection to war. Thinking of it as a scary place, where death is imminent, doesn't mesh well with thoughts of my sweetheart being there. Avoiding this chapter meant avoiding reality...and I was OK with that.
And then I noticed something.
My calendar is still stuck on May 12th - the day Jonny left for AT (Annual Training) at Camp Ripley. It's one of those calendars where you tear a page off each day. I've apparently neglected that task for more than a month. It's almost as if pulling off that next page makes it more real. Admitting that we're now in June (and not May) puts us closer to D-Day (Deployment Day). It was my own little subconscious attempt to stop the hands of time. I admire my psyche...and it's desire to build the bricks up around my heart and protect it from the inevitable.
Oh...and my personal refusal to wear anything to bed but the Army shirt he gave me before he left. His smell still lingered on it for the longest time...and it was comforting. Almost as if his arms were wrapped around me.
I've since washed it (a couple of times), and it doesn't smell a thing like him anymore.
I've also pulled all the days off my calendar...but for some reason, left May 12th laying on the counter right in front the calendar.
And...for the first time...I started reading the chapter on death.
....................................................................................
On a side note...Welcome Canada. It's nice to have you reading :)
I'm about three quarters of the way through a book called "The Blog of War: Front-Line Dispatches from Soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan." It isn't anything like I thought it would be. Essentially, the author compiled hundreds of blogs into a book, divied them up into chapters based on common themes and called it good. I've read through chapters on deploying and Army medics, and a variety of other things just fine...and then I got to the one on death. I didn't want to read that chapter. I tried my best to avoid it...and did a really good job...for about a week. It was as if reading it somehow validated it. I refuse to accept the fact that death is a part of war. At least not now that I have a personal connection to war. Thinking of it as a scary place, where death is imminent, doesn't mesh well with thoughts of my sweetheart being there. Avoiding this chapter meant avoiding reality...and I was OK with that.
And then I noticed something.
My calendar is still stuck on May 12th - the day Jonny left for AT (Annual Training) at Camp Ripley. It's one of those calendars where you tear a page off each day. I've apparently neglected that task for more than a month. It's almost as if pulling off that next page makes it more real. Admitting that we're now in June (and not May) puts us closer to D-Day (Deployment Day). It was my own little subconscious attempt to stop the hands of time. I admire my psyche...and it's desire to build the bricks up around my heart and protect it from the inevitable.
Oh...and my personal refusal to wear anything to bed but the Army shirt he gave me before he left. His smell still lingered on it for the longest time...and it was comforting. Almost as if his arms were wrapped around me.
I've since washed it (a couple of times), and it doesn't smell a thing like him anymore.
I've also pulled all the days off my calendar...but for some reason, left May 12th laying on the counter right in front the calendar.
And...for the first time...I started reading the chapter on death.
....................................................................................
On a side note...Welcome Canada. It's nice to have you reading :)
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!!
I still can't believe it. I've been on cloud nine for about 3 hours now...and have no intention of coming down any time soon.
Please don't pinch me :P
Fort McCoy is throwing this giant BBQ Extravaganza for the soldiers on July 10. I found out about it a few weeks ago from Jonny's family, because they got something in the mail. Thinking Jonny might not know about it yet (because if he did, wouldn't he have brought it up?) I texted him immediately. Turns out, he knew about it, but didn't want me to go. He said it was hard enough saying good bye to me once, and he didn't want to have to go through all of that again.
Too emotional.
Too tough.
Too draining.
I understood completely. That good bye wasn't easy. Not even close, and to be honest...I wasn't entirely sure I could handle it either.
But on the flip side...I wasn't too sure I could handle not seeing him either. A little pain is worth a few hours of happiness, right?
Ultimately, the decision was his. If he wanted me to go, I would be front and center. If it was going to make it more difficult for him, I'd swallow my own pride and keep things in order on the homefront.
He's flopped like a fish pretty much every week. One minute he wants me there...one minute he doesn't.
Finally today, I gave him the ultimatum.
(ring, ring)
"Hey hun? I know you don't want to talk about this, and you can't make up your mind...but, that BBQ is less than a month away, and if I'm going, I'll need to know soon because I'll have to take off work. So...sleep on it...make up your mind...and let me know by tomorrow, k?"
"Honey, what day is the 10th?"
"Sunday."
"Don't you work?"
"Yes. But I'll take it off if I have to."
"No, that's dumb. Don't do that. You'll only get to see me for like three hours."
"So? That's not a good enough reason."
"Well, it'll be a waste of time."
"That's still not a good enough reason. A good reason is...'Sarah, I don't want to see you again because it'll be too hard for me...because I can't imagine seeing you again just to have to leave you again.' That's a good reason."
"Well, that's true. But it's also a lot of driving. You'd be in the car longer than you'd be here."
"Again...that's up to me. Not you. If driving and time and work and all that wasn't a factor...and we're just talking about you and what you want. Would you have me be there or no?"
"No. You'll get to see me on the 15th anyway."
(pause)
"Go ahead and gasp." (ha, I gasp when I get excited...or surprised...and I love surprises).
"What? the 15th? Why?"
"Our pass got approved. I'm coming home!"
((GASP!!!!))
"Seriously?"
"Yes!"
"Oh my God! I can't believe it!!"
"Yeah honey...see? So there's no point in coming to Wisconsin on the 10th...because I'll just see you five days later."
And I've been smiling ever since :)
Please don't pinch me :P
Fort McCoy is throwing this giant BBQ Extravaganza for the soldiers on July 10. I found out about it a few weeks ago from Jonny's family, because they got something in the mail. Thinking Jonny might not know about it yet (because if he did, wouldn't he have brought it up?) I texted him immediately. Turns out, he knew about it, but didn't want me to go. He said it was hard enough saying good bye to me once, and he didn't want to have to go through all of that again.
Too emotional.
Too tough.
Too draining.
I understood completely. That good bye wasn't easy. Not even close, and to be honest...I wasn't entirely sure I could handle it either.
But on the flip side...I wasn't too sure I could handle not seeing him either. A little pain is worth a few hours of happiness, right?
Ultimately, the decision was his. If he wanted me to go, I would be front and center. If it was going to make it more difficult for him, I'd swallow my own pride and keep things in order on the homefront.
He's flopped like a fish pretty much every week. One minute he wants me there...one minute he doesn't.
Finally today, I gave him the ultimatum.
(ring, ring)
"Hey hun? I know you don't want to talk about this, and you can't make up your mind...but, that BBQ is less than a month away, and if I'm going, I'll need to know soon because I'll have to take off work. So...sleep on it...make up your mind...and let me know by tomorrow, k?"
"Honey, what day is the 10th?"
"Sunday."
"Don't you work?"
"Yes. But I'll take it off if I have to."
"No, that's dumb. Don't do that. You'll only get to see me for like three hours."
"So? That's not a good enough reason."
"Well, it'll be a waste of time."
"That's still not a good enough reason. A good reason is...'Sarah, I don't want to see you again because it'll be too hard for me...because I can't imagine seeing you again just to have to leave you again.' That's a good reason."
"Well, that's true. But it's also a lot of driving. You'd be in the car longer than you'd be here."
"Again...that's up to me. Not you. If driving and time and work and all that wasn't a factor...and we're just talking about you and what you want. Would you have me be there or no?"
"No. You'll get to see me on the 15th anyway."
(pause)
"Go ahead and gasp." (ha, I gasp when I get excited...or surprised...and I love surprises).
"What? the 15th? Why?"
"Our pass got approved. I'm coming home!"
((GASP!!!!))
"Seriously?"
"Yes!"
"Oh my God! I can't believe it!!"
"Yeah honey...see? So there's no point in coming to Wisconsin on the 10th...because I'll just see you five days later."
And I've been smiling ever since :)
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Decisions...Decisions...
Here's a question for you...
If you're not happy with your job (and I mean really not happy), do you stay there for another year 'til your soldier comes home and make sure your love survives? Or do you move on, leave the state, get a new job and just hope it does?
Looks like I now have two incredibly-loud, clicking clocks on my shelf.
::sigh::
If you're not happy with your job (and I mean really not happy), do you stay there for another year 'til your soldier comes home and make sure your love survives? Or do you move on, leave the state, get a new job and just hope it does?
Looks like I now have two incredibly-loud, clicking clocks on my shelf.
::sigh::
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
one empty chair...
You never get used to deployment. You can push it to the corners of your mind...ignore it...refuse to accept it...and though it might make it a little easier for awhile...you never get used to it.
Since I can still text him and (occasionally) call him, I convince myself he's on some sort of tropical vacation somewhere...or on a business trip...but deep down, I know that's not true. It makes the day to day easier, but when those days hold a special significance...it's hard to ignore that giant hole in your heart. I had an award banquet tonight for work. I got second place for best young Journalist of the Year, and first place for a Series report I did on drunk driving. My mom was by my side, and I was thrilled to have her there, but I couldn't help but feel like something was missing...or at least...someone. It didn't help that there was an empty chair at the table too.
It was a great night, a marvelous night...a wonderful night...I just wish he could have been there too. Not just in heart or in spirit...but actually there.
I miss him always...but more on nights like this...
Since I can still text him and (occasionally) call him, I convince myself he's on some sort of tropical vacation somewhere...or on a business trip...but deep down, I know that's not true. It makes the day to day easier, but when those days hold a special significance...it's hard to ignore that giant hole in your heart. I had an award banquet tonight for work. I got second place for best young Journalist of the Year, and first place for a Series report I did on drunk driving. My mom was by my side, and I was thrilled to have her there, but I couldn't help but feel like something was missing...or at least...someone. It didn't help that there was an empty chair at the table too.
It was a great night, a marvelous night...a wonderful night...I just wish he could have been there too. Not just in heart or in spirit...but actually there.
I miss him always...but more on nights like this...
Monday, June 6, 2011
Shiny, Shiny!
He said the words Shiny, Shiny! Well...not just that...but he said them in the same sentence in the word as "I" and "bought" and "for you."
I was told I can't ask any questions.
I'm pretty much bursting at the seams though...
SHINY SHINY people!! He bought Shiny Shiny! :)
I was told I can't ask any questions.
I'm pretty much bursting at the seams though...
SHINY SHINY people!! He bought Shiny Shiny! :)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Whatever will be will be...
Things are going better. It just takes time. I need to learn to be patient...stop reading into things. Stop over analyzing. I need to be confident, patient and strong. I need to accept that I'm powerless in the grand scheme of things, acknowledge that there are things beyond my control.
I just need to be.
Stop worrying...
and just be.
The military is beyond my control, this mission is beyond my control, insurgents are beyond my control...there's very little about this entire situation that I have any control over, and I have to learn how to accept it.
Whatever will be will be...and there's not a whole lot I can do about it...so why fret?
Easier said than done of course...but every marathon begins with a single step.
I just need to be.
Stop worrying...
and just be.
The military is beyond my control, this mission is beyond my control, insurgents are beyond my control...there's very little about this entire situation that I have any control over, and I have to learn how to accept it.
Whatever will be will be...and there's not a whole lot I can do about it...so why fret?
Easier said than done of course...but every marathon begins with a single step.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Speak up!
I need help. I need advice. I need someone reading this to say something...or pass this along to someone who will.
I've never gone through a deployment...I don't know what I'm doing. What I do know...is that I'm in over my head. I'm trying to navigate through a jungle in the middle of the night...without a flashlight or a map. I'm lost.
Completely lost.
Help me.
Things aren't as rosy as they seem. I guess that's the perk of being a good writer...you can paint the picture however you want to. I love him...but this is tough. I'm being snapped at a lot. Tempers are running short. He's closing off, shutting down and backing away. He did this once before, but after two weeks of AT, that changed. It's like he saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and he opened up. I blogged about it. Life was perfect.
Now we're back to square one.
I feel left in the dark. I have an insatiable need to understand things...to be kept on the same page...to know why things are playing out the way they are. I'd rather be hurt by the truth, than strung along with a lie. The more he closes off, the more I push to know...and it's a vicious cycle that's getting me nowhere.
I'm frustrated.
And I need you to speak up...
I've never gone through a deployment...I don't know what I'm doing. What I do know...is that I'm in over my head. I'm trying to navigate through a jungle in the middle of the night...without a flashlight or a map. I'm lost.
Completely lost.
Help me.
Things aren't as rosy as they seem. I guess that's the perk of being a good writer...you can paint the picture however you want to. I love him...but this is tough. I'm being snapped at a lot. Tempers are running short. He's closing off, shutting down and backing away. He did this once before, but after two weeks of AT, that changed. It's like he saw the light at the end of the tunnel, and he opened up. I blogged about it. Life was perfect.
Now we're back to square one.
I feel left in the dark. I have an insatiable need to understand things...to be kept on the same page...to know why things are playing out the way they are. I'd rather be hurt by the truth, than strung along with a lie. The more he closes off, the more I push to know...and it's a vicious cycle that's getting me nowhere.
I'm frustrated.
And I need you to speak up...
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Missing you...
"Honey, I miss you. I could be in a room with 10,000 other people...and if you weren't in there, I'd be lonely."
Ditto sweetheart...ditto.
Ditto sweetheart...ditto.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Tick, Tock
How does it feel to have someone you love deploy? Like a kick in teeth. Like you're falling into a pit to which there is no bottom. You can't breathe...your heart feels like it's being shattered into a million pieces...and the world as you know it is slowly coming to a very dramatic end. You can watch as many movies as you want...you can tune in to see deployment ceremonies on the news, and it, in no way, begins to capture the enormity of the emotions...from heart break to fear, to pride (and an immense amount of it).
I've covered deployment ceremonies. I've interviewed crying mothers. I've watched as fathers kiss their children good bye. I've heard the sobs, seen the shakes, watched the worlds shatter. I've witnessed it. I've been there. I've felt it.
Nothing could have prepared me for this.
Nothing.
And it's nothing that I can explain to you. Nothing you'll ever truly grasp until you're there. Until you're standing there in a crowd of hundreds of people, waving an American flag and praying as hard as you can that your soldier can't see your tears from across the field house.
I know he'll be fine. He is so brave, and so smart and so intelligent. More than my boyfriend or my best friend...he's my living, walking, breathing hero. I love him more than words can say.
Saying good bye to him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was both looking forward to, and dreading this day like you wouldn't believe. On the one hand, I got to see him for the first time in two weeks. On the other hand...I knew that reunion would come to an end...and when it did, it would be for a lot longer than two weeks. When I got to the hotel, I went running into his arms. I was so excited to see him I couldn't contain it. It almost didn't feel real. Seeing him, touching him, kissing him...it was like some wonderful dream...and one I wish would never end.
The first night was fantastic. We went out to the bar with a group of his soldiers at about 9:30 (and I finally got to eat dinner). I got to meet his people (and I'm apparently the first of his girlfriends he's ever done this with). We laughed, we joked...we stayed up late and shut the bar down ;) He surprised me with wine, a bubble bath, reese's pieces and more kisses than a girl could ask for. He fell asleep...I climbed into our room's whirlpool, and eventually crawled in next to him. It was like home to me. I can't explain it. Those arms...it's just where I'm meant to be. It's as simple as that. He slept...I watched. I couldn't fall asleep. Suddenly I wasn't tired at all, and the last thing I wanted to do was close my eyes. I might miss something. What...I'm not sure, but I didn't want to chance it. Eventually, exhaustion prevailed. I dozed off at about 4:30...excuse me 0430...and was up and at 'em when my soldier woke up for the day at 0630.
Two hours of sleep and I never felt better ;)
From there...he headed off to the Armory...and within minutes, his family was knocking at the hotel room door. I spent the day with them, cruising around town, going on a scavenger hunt for the fairgrounds, and the Armory, and then to lunch before heading back to see Jonny again at the hotel. Then...deployment ceremony time. Patriot Guard members lined the parking lot holding their flags. The place was buzzing with activity hours before the ceremony started. We got seats in some bleachers off the side, and my 5'1" self was very pleased with the concept of elevated seating.
The ceremony was beautiful. Watching them march in gave me goose bumps. Luckily for me, he was in the front row, I could see him perfectly...and I never took my eyes off of him. Sure, I listened to the speakers, but I had no desire to actually watch them. I stared at my Jonny...stealing as many looks as I could while I still had the opportunity to do so. I held it together well. I thought for sure I'd be crying at this thing like a baby...surprisingly, I wasn't. If anything, I was proud. My little chest was all puffed up. That's my man. That's my baby. That's my hero. When the men at the podium talked about how brave they were, how strong they were, how selfless they were...I couldn't even think about crying. I was too proud to think that someone that fit that description even thought about wasting his time with me. Endlessly proud...that's what I was.
Until a retired Colonel took to the stage. His speech was powerful and inspiring. You could have heard a pin drop. And then his voice started cracking...and rather than a pin, you heard the collective sniffles of the crowd, and watched as a single tear made its slow descent down my cheek...hurdling its way to my thigh with a splash.
This man was good.
From that point, the tears were sporadic. Here or there, I'd well up...but overall, I kept it together well. Until...that handsome man of mine started his swagger towards us in his ACUs. To be honest, I wasn't even sure he knew where we were sitting. I saw him do his family's patented nose tap during the ceremony, but wasn't sure if that was an intent delivery, or done with the hope that maybe his loved ones lost somewhere among the masses may have seen this one familiar gesture, swell with pride and think, "That's our Jonny."
Well, he did see us, because as soon as it was over, he started walking right towards us. Seeing him...witnessing that...knowing that a hug was so close, I lost it. I think the reality of what was to come was finally sinking in. It wasn't the deployment ceremony...or the pomp and circumstance...or the uniforms...or the speakers...it was the thought that, in less than 12 hours...I would be kissing him for the last time in 12 months.
And that's when that damn clock started ticking again.
12 hours. And I'd be asleep for part of it. Suddenly it felt like the walls were closing in. My heart started pounding, I couldn't breathe. The only thing that came naturally, were tears...and those were the one thing I promised him I wouldn't do at this ceremony.
So...I did the next best thing, I turned my back. I saw as he approached, I heard him hug his family...and I just faced the opposite direction hoping my tears would go unnoticed.
They didn't.
His sister and dad told me to turn around. They even joked that the guy in the row behind me had a very large onion. I laughed, but it hurt.
Tick, Tock.
We went for a walk...and met the Captain of his Company. Before long, we were out the door...and on our way to Applebee's. Dinner came and went...and so did his family. As I watched the hugs, I wasn't sure who was braver, Jonny or his family. I was envious of their strength. Envious of their shallow tear ducts, or (more likely) the immense amount of willpower it took to suppress those emotions. It's something I lack. My emotions are right on the surface. It's hard to mask them. Impossible to do so if you actually know me.
Tick, Tock.
Once they left, I broke down. I crumpled into a messy heap of tears. I sobbed. For the first time in weeks, I let it all out...I let it all go. My goal was to not cry until I actually had to say good bye. I didn't make it. I sobbed. It was messy...it wasn't at all pretty. But it felt good. It felt good to get out weeks of pent up emotion.
I blame the Colonel.
We bickered a bit that night. Not sure why. We both hate it. We both make up instantly. I blame the stress of deployment...I think it wears on us. Actually - let me speak for me...in my case, I know it does. And as quickly as we argued...we made up. We snuggled. He held me all night long, never let go, and I slept like a baby.
Tick, Tock.
The 5am alarm came far too soon. I wasn't ready. I wanted to stop time. I instantly wanted one more day...one more hour. One more chance. I wasn't ready to walk away. I wasn't ready to say good bye. I wasn't ready for all of this to end.
I realize it's not ending. I realize he'll just be gone for a year. I realize he'll come back. I just hope it's to me. The thought of living without him, spending our first Christmas without him, not being able to kiss him on New Year's, spending Valentine's Day alone, and not having him be there for our anniversary weighed heavy on my heart. I love this man. I adore him. I can't imagine leaving him.
Tick, tock.
Yet, in just 60 minutes, I'd have to do just that. I cried in the shower, hoping the water would drown out my sobs. I cried when I got dressed, cried as I put on my make-up. I cried when I packed up my bags, and cried when I looked at his sweet face as he fell back asleep. How could I leave that face?
Tick, Tock.
He walked me out. And once I loaded up my car, and he pulled me in close, I lost it. I sobbed. I sobbed harder than I did the night before. Despite the fact that I was embarassed...despite the fact I felt bad for making it harder for him...I did it all again. Huge, dramatic, over the top. My heart was breaking. Absolutely breaking. As I said, you can't possibly understand what it's like.
I cried for the first 45 minutes of the car ride. And once my tears slowed to a trickle, I called my best friend, who told me she'd be standing by and waiting for my call, no matter what time. We talked, I cried. She calmed me down. I talked to Jonny for awhile after that, and then called his parents and talked to them for a bit.
I miss him. I miss him with every fiber in my being. A life without him isn't a life worth living. Thankfully, I only have to do it for 365 more days.
365 more days and he's back in my arms once again.
The clock is once again ticking...but this time...I hardly notice it.
Tick, Tock...
I've covered deployment ceremonies. I've interviewed crying mothers. I've watched as fathers kiss their children good bye. I've heard the sobs, seen the shakes, watched the worlds shatter. I've witnessed it. I've been there. I've felt it.
Nothing could have prepared me for this.
Nothing.
And it's nothing that I can explain to you. Nothing you'll ever truly grasp until you're there. Until you're standing there in a crowd of hundreds of people, waving an American flag and praying as hard as you can that your soldier can't see your tears from across the field house.
I know he'll be fine. He is so brave, and so smart and so intelligent. More than my boyfriend or my best friend...he's my living, walking, breathing hero. I love him more than words can say.
Saying good bye to him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was both looking forward to, and dreading this day like you wouldn't believe. On the one hand, I got to see him for the first time in two weeks. On the other hand...I knew that reunion would come to an end...and when it did, it would be for a lot longer than two weeks. When I got to the hotel, I went running into his arms. I was so excited to see him I couldn't contain it. It almost didn't feel real. Seeing him, touching him, kissing him...it was like some wonderful dream...and one I wish would never end.
The first night was fantastic. We went out to the bar with a group of his soldiers at about 9:30 (and I finally got to eat dinner). I got to meet his people (and I'm apparently the first of his girlfriends he's ever done this with). We laughed, we joked...we stayed up late and shut the bar down ;) He surprised me with wine, a bubble bath, reese's pieces and more kisses than a girl could ask for. He fell asleep...I climbed into our room's whirlpool, and eventually crawled in next to him. It was like home to me. I can't explain it. Those arms...it's just where I'm meant to be. It's as simple as that. He slept...I watched. I couldn't fall asleep. Suddenly I wasn't tired at all, and the last thing I wanted to do was close my eyes. I might miss something. What...I'm not sure, but I didn't want to chance it. Eventually, exhaustion prevailed. I dozed off at about 4:30...excuse me 0430...and was up and at 'em when my soldier woke up for the day at 0630.
Two hours of sleep and I never felt better ;)
From there...he headed off to the Armory...and within minutes, his family was knocking at the hotel room door. I spent the day with them, cruising around town, going on a scavenger hunt for the fairgrounds, and the Armory, and then to lunch before heading back to see Jonny again at the hotel. Then...deployment ceremony time. Patriot Guard members lined the parking lot holding their flags. The place was buzzing with activity hours before the ceremony started. We got seats in some bleachers off the side, and my 5'1" self was very pleased with the concept of elevated seating.
The ceremony was beautiful. Watching them march in gave me goose bumps. Luckily for me, he was in the front row, I could see him perfectly...and I never took my eyes off of him. Sure, I listened to the speakers, but I had no desire to actually watch them. I stared at my Jonny...stealing as many looks as I could while I still had the opportunity to do so. I held it together well. I thought for sure I'd be crying at this thing like a baby...surprisingly, I wasn't. If anything, I was proud. My little chest was all puffed up. That's my man. That's my baby. That's my hero. When the men at the podium talked about how brave they were, how strong they were, how selfless they were...I couldn't even think about crying. I was too proud to think that someone that fit that description even thought about wasting his time with me. Endlessly proud...that's what I was.
Until a retired Colonel took to the stage. His speech was powerful and inspiring. You could have heard a pin drop. And then his voice started cracking...and rather than a pin, you heard the collective sniffles of the crowd, and watched as a single tear made its slow descent down my cheek...hurdling its way to my thigh with a splash.
This man was good.
From that point, the tears were sporadic. Here or there, I'd well up...but overall, I kept it together well. Until...that handsome man of mine started his swagger towards us in his ACUs. To be honest, I wasn't even sure he knew where we were sitting. I saw him do his family's patented nose tap during the ceremony, but wasn't sure if that was an intent delivery, or done with the hope that maybe his loved ones lost somewhere among the masses may have seen this one familiar gesture, swell with pride and think, "That's our Jonny."
Well, he did see us, because as soon as it was over, he started walking right towards us. Seeing him...witnessing that...knowing that a hug was so close, I lost it. I think the reality of what was to come was finally sinking in. It wasn't the deployment ceremony...or the pomp and circumstance...or the uniforms...or the speakers...it was the thought that, in less than 12 hours...I would be kissing him for the last time in 12 months.
And that's when that damn clock started ticking again.
12 hours. And I'd be asleep for part of it. Suddenly it felt like the walls were closing in. My heart started pounding, I couldn't breathe. The only thing that came naturally, were tears...and those were the one thing I promised him I wouldn't do at this ceremony.
So...I did the next best thing, I turned my back. I saw as he approached, I heard him hug his family...and I just faced the opposite direction hoping my tears would go unnoticed.
They didn't.
His sister and dad told me to turn around. They even joked that the guy in the row behind me had a very large onion. I laughed, but it hurt.
Tick, Tock.
We went for a walk...and met the Captain of his Company. Before long, we were out the door...and on our way to Applebee's. Dinner came and went...and so did his family. As I watched the hugs, I wasn't sure who was braver, Jonny or his family. I was envious of their strength. Envious of their shallow tear ducts, or (more likely) the immense amount of willpower it took to suppress those emotions. It's something I lack. My emotions are right on the surface. It's hard to mask them. Impossible to do so if you actually know me.
Tick, Tock.
Once they left, I broke down. I crumpled into a messy heap of tears. I sobbed. For the first time in weeks, I let it all out...I let it all go. My goal was to not cry until I actually had to say good bye. I didn't make it. I sobbed. It was messy...it wasn't at all pretty. But it felt good. It felt good to get out weeks of pent up emotion.
I blame the Colonel.
We bickered a bit that night. Not sure why. We both hate it. We both make up instantly. I blame the stress of deployment...I think it wears on us. Actually - let me speak for me...in my case, I know it does. And as quickly as we argued...we made up. We snuggled. He held me all night long, never let go, and I slept like a baby.
Tick, Tock.
The 5am alarm came far too soon. I wasn't ready. I wanted to stop time. I instantly wanted one more day...one more hour. One more chance. I wasn't ready to walk away. I wasn't ready to say good bye. I wasn't ready for all of this to end.
I realize it's not ending. I realize he'll just be gone for a year. I realize he'll come back. I just hope it's to me. The thought of living without him, spending our first Christmas without him, not being able to kiss him on New Year's, spending Valentine's Day alone, and not having him be there for our anniversary weighed heavy on my heart. I love this man. I adore him. I can't imagine leaving him.
Tick, tock.
Yet, in just 60 minutes, I'd have to do just that. I cried in the shower, hoping the water would drown out my sobs. I cried when I got dressed, cried as I put on my make-up. I cried when I packed up my bags, and cried when I looked at his sweet face as he fell back asleep. How could I leave that face?
Tick, Tock.
He walked me out. And once I loaded up my car, and he pulled me in close, I lost it. I sobbed. I sobbed harder than I did the night before. Despite the fact that I was embarassed...despite the fact I felt bad for making it harder for him...I did it all again. Huge, dramatic, over the top. My heart was breaking. Absolutely breaking. As I said, you can't possibly understand what it's like.
I cried for the first 45 minutes of the car ride. And once my tears slowed to a trickle, I called my best friend, who told me she'd be standing by and waiting for my call, no matter what time. We talked, I cried. She calmed me down. I talked to Jonny for awhile after that, and then called his parents and talked to them for a bit.
I miss him. I miss him with every fiber in my being. A life without him isn't a life worth living. Thankfully, I only have to do it for 365 more days.
365 more days and he's back in my arms once again.
The clock is once again ticking...but this time...I hardly notice it.
Tick, Tock...
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Dear Jon...
May 24, 2011
Dear Jonny,
What do you say in a good bye letter? What do you say when all the words fall short? I love you? I miss you? That doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about you. Not even close. So what do you say? I'm not sure words will ever be enough...but for the moment, they're all I have.
Truth is, I can't imagine spending a day without you...let alone a year. But I will do it. We will do it...because I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without you either.
I fell in love with you the moment I met you. Seriously. As mushy and romantic as I am, I didn't even belive that love at first sight existed. And then I met you and that all changed. Simply put - you took my breath away, and that first kiss in the parking lot sealed the deal for me. Fireworks. I literally saw fireworks :) And I've never looked back. I fall deeper in love with you every single day. I love you more than anyone or anything in this world, and I know without a doubt, that you are the one for me.
I can only hope that you feel the exact same way.
So, here's my promise to you. I will wait for you. I will wait all 365 days until you come home and are back in my arms once again. I will love you with every fiber in my being for as long as you'll let me. I will be yours...mind, body and soul. 100% devoted to you. Seems a little over the top...but every word of it is true, and I want to make sure you know exactly how I feel before you leave. And should you ever forget when you're in the middle of a desert thousands of miles away - I want you to pull this letter out, and remind yourself. You're all I want...all I need...and everything I've been hoping for.
To say I'm the luckiest girl in the world doesn't begin to describe it.
I will pray for you Jonny. Every day. Every night. I will think of you constantly and miss you terribly. And yes, I will cry - but I'll be OK. This deployment will make us stronger and bring us closer together -- just like AT did. I can't stomach the thought that God would have brought you into my life, just to take you away. He can't be that cruel. We will make it through this, I promise.
I love you. Today. Tomorrow. And 365 days from now. You're my everything, and I can't wait for you to come home.
- Sarah
Dear Jonny,
What do you say in a good bye letter? What do you say when all the words fall short? I love you? I miss you? That doesn't even begin to describe how I feel about you. Not even close. So what do you say? I'm not sure words will ever be enough...but for the moment, they're all I have.
Truth is, I can't imagine spending a day without you...let alone a year. But I will do it. We will do it...because I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without you either.
I fell in love with you the moment I met you. Seriously. As mushy and romantic as I am, I didn't even belive that love at first sight existed. And then I met you and that all changed. Simply put - you took my breath away, and that first kiss in the parking lot sealed the deal for me. Fireworks. I literally saw fireworks :) And I've never looked back. I fall deeper in love with you every single day. I love you more than anyone or anything in this world, and I know without a doubt, that you are the one for me.
I can only hope that you feel the exact same way.
So, here's my promise to you. I will wait for you. I will wait all 365 days until you come home and are back in my arms once again. I will love you with every fiber in my being for as long as you'll let me. I will be yours...mind, body and soul. 100% devoted to you. Seems a little over the top...but every word of it is true, and I want to make sure you know exactly how I feel before you leave. And should you ever forget when you're in the middle of a desert thousands of miles away - I want you to pull this letter out, and remind yourself. You're all I want...all I need...and everything I've been hoping for.
To say I'm the luckiest girl in the world doesn't begin to describe it.
I will pray for you Jonny. Every day. Every night. I will think of you constantly and miss you terribly. And yes, I will cry - but I'll be OK. This deployment will make us stronger and bring us closer together -- just like AT did. I can't stomach the thought that God would have brought you into my life, just to take you away. He can't be that cruel. We will make it through this, I promise.
I love you. Today. Tomorrow. And 365 days from now. You're my everything, and I can't wait for you to come home.
- Sarah
Friday, May 20, 2011
A Promise of a Promise
"Yanno what I think? I think living without you sucks. I think going to bed alone and not being able to kiss you and touch your skin is nothing short of waterboarding. I love you so much...words fall short. And I absolutely hate being away from you."
"No kidding. I don't like this :("
"Thank you for not saying 'oh honey.' I love you sweetie. I really do. I hate being away from you...and I know I can't say it...but you know what I'm thinking anyway...so...there you go."
"How bout we go shiny shiny looking next June."
"Serious?"
" :) I think your smile is so big it smacked me in the face."
He was right...it was. The biggest smile I've had on my face in awhile. On the surface, you may not understand why...but if you knew that the "it" in "I can't say it" was referencing marriage...and "shiny shiny" is our word for jewelry...well...
you'd be smiling too.
"No kidding. I don't like this :("
"Thank you for not saying 'oh honey.' I love you sweetie. I really do. I hate being away from you...and I know I can't say it...but you know what I'm thinking anyway...so...there you go."
"How bout we go shiny shiny looking next June."
"Serious?"
" :) I think your smile is so big it smacked me in the face."
He was right...it was. The biggest smile I've had on my face in awhile. On the surface, you may not understand why...but if you knew that the "it" in "I can't say it" was referencing marriage...and "shiny shiny" is our word for jewelry...well...
you'd be smiling too.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
The Anticipation is the Worst...
I'm having a difficult time with today. I'm not sure why. All I do know is that my heart feels heavy. It's amazing to me how my feelings can fluctuate so quickly. It's almost as if I'm bipolar. (I'm not). I liken it to a roller coaster - the anticipation is the worst part, right? I mean...when you pick the biggest roller coaster in the park, your adrenalin is pumping. You're more excited than anything else, and it doesn't even occur to you, that things are gonna get real scary in half an hour (or however long it takes you to get to the front of the line).
Then you wait.
You watch.
You see person after person in front of you work their way to the front of the line. You see them ride the coaster and scream, cry, puke, shake, whatever...and then you suddenly wonder why the hell you got in this line to begin with. I mean...you're doing this to yourself, right? You paid to enter the park, you made the decision to stand in line...and (at one point) you thought it would be a great idea to project yourself through the air like a high-speed missile. And what for? If you're that scared...why do it?
Good question.
Yet...there you sit (or stand) snaking through the line...going through the motions.
It's the anticipation that gets you. The closer you get...the harder your heart beats. And just when you think it can't get any worse...you hop on, strap yourself in...and hear that God-awful clicking sound as the roller coaster slowly makes its ascent. You know it's coming. You know it can't tick-on forever, and in a matter of seconds there will be no more upward track, gravity will take its toll, and the whole thing will go hurdling downward.
From that point on...you're fine. The first drop is always the worst...and once you get past that, the whole thing almost seems fun. Screams are replaced with laughter. You're actually (somewhat) enjoying yourself...and by the time it screeches to a halt...you almost forget about those first 30 seconds when you were mentally preparing your will.
This isn't to say that I'm going to be fine once Jonny deploys. I don't think I will. I don't think I ever will be, until he comes home. I guess what I'm trying to say is...the anticipation is the worst. Knowing that he's in Minnesota and that I can't see him when I want to, or call him whenever I want to is wearing on me. Knowing that he's so close, yet so far away at the exact same time is painful. Not that I'm trying to push him out the door (I'm not), but I feel like it'll be easier to go through the motions, and fall into some kind of comfortable pattern once he's gone. It's like the difference between being told you can't eat the freshly-baked cookies on the counter, or knowing that you can't eat any cookies, because there aren't any cookies in the house. There's less temptation with the second, so it's easier to deal with.
::sigh::
Is it 2012 yet?
Then you wait.
You watch.
You see person after person in front of you work their way to the front of the line. You see them ride the coaster and scream, cry, puke, shake, whatever...and then you suddenly wonder why the hell you got in this line to begin with. I mean...you're doing this to yourself, right? You paid to enter the park, you made the decision to stand in line...and (at one point) you thought it would be a great idea to project yourself through the air like a high-speed missile. And what for? If you're that scared...why do it?
Good question.
Yet...there you sit (or stand) snaking through the line...going through the motions.
It's the anticipation that gets you. The closer you get...the harder your heart beats. And just when you think it can't get any worse...you hop on, strap yourself in...and hear that God-awful clicking sound as the roller coaster slowly makes its ascent. You know it's coming. You know it can't tick-on forever, and in a matter of seconds there will be no more upward track, gravity will take its toll, and the whole thing will go hurdling downward.
From that point on...you're fine. The first drop is always the worst...and once you get past that, the whole thing almost seems fun. Screams are replaced with laughter. You're actually (somewhat) enjoying yourself...and by the time it screeches to a halt...you almost forget about those first 30 seconds when you were mentally preparing your will.
This isn't to say that I'm going to be fine once Jonny deploys. I don't think I will. I don't think I ever will be, until he comes home. I guess what I'm trying to say is...the anticipation is the worst. Knowing that he's in Minnesota and that I can't see him when I want to, or call him whenever I want to is wearing on me. Knowing that he's so close, yet so far away at the exact same time is painful. Not that I'm trying to push him out the door (I'm not), but I feel like it'll be easier to go through the motions, and fall into some kind of comfortable pattern once he's gone. It's like the difference between being told you can't eat the freshly-baked cookies on the counter, or knowing that you can't eat any cookies, because there aren't any cookies in the house. There's less temptation with the second, so it's easier to deal with.
::sigh::
Is it 2012 yet?
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Greeting Cards, Tears and Fears
I teared up for the first time today. In my defense, I was in the greeting card aisle at the grocery store, and it was more of a mist than a waterfall of tears, but either way, I welled up. Ya see, I'm thinking about this whole deployment thing. A few weeks ago, I never would have thought about getting a "deployment gift" for Jonny. 1. He tells me time and time again, that he's a simple guy, who doesn't need a lot of "stuff" and gets sheepish when he's the center of attention/the target of my big-big heart and my aspiring-to-be-big wallet. And 2. The whole concept is a bit off to me. I mean, "Here's a gift to celebrate something you don't want to do. Congratulations!" And then there's that whole, I-have-no-idea-what-to-get-him-anyway thing. I've been scouring the internet for weeks, but everything seems to fall short. So I opted out of it, and decided I'd just write a really, really nice heartfelt letter...describing exactly how I feel, and exactly what he means to me. I want him to know that I love him, and our crazy whirlwind romance, and I'm not going anywhere. That's sweet, right?
Right?
Well, lately I've been having doubts. Is it enough? Will a dumb letter do the trick?
I'm not so sure.
Which is why I found myself cruising down the card aisle in the grocery store...looking for some inspiration.
Instead - I found tears.
The worst part is...this is the easy part. I've gotten to speak to him for the last three days. He texts me all day long. And I get to see his sweet little face when he sends me picture mail. It's tough that I don't get to see him, but I'm coping. Or...at least trying to.
But that'll all change in about 2 months. After his deployment ceremony on the 26th, he'll spend 45 days at Fort McCoy before deploying to Kuwait. If I cry in the greeting card aisle now...how on Earth will I survive once he really deploys? When he can't call every day? When he can't send me text messages? When he's actually in harms way?
One day at a time...that's how.
But it's not going to be easy...
Right?
Well, lately I've been having doubts. Is it enough? Will a dumb letter do the trick?
I'm not so sure.
Which is why I found myself cruising down the card aisle in the grocery store...looking for some inspiration.
Instead - I found tears.
The worst part is...this is the easy part. I've gotten to speak to him for the last three days. He texts me all day long. And I get to see his sweet little face when he sends me picture mail. It's tough that I don't get to see him, but I'm coping. Or...at least trying to.
But that'll all change in about 2 months. After his deployment ceremony on the 26th, he'll spend 45 days at Fort McCoy before deploying to Kuwait. If I cry in the greeting card aisle now...how on Earth will I survive once he really deploys? When he can't call every day? When he can't send me text messages? When he's actually in harms way?
One day at a time...that's how.
But it's not going to be easy...
Monday, May 16, 2011
When so little, says so much :)
For a man who says so little...it's nice when that "so little" says so much.
"I'm so in love with you and you mean so much to me, but we are out driving with night vision. Text you later when we're done."
"And yes, I do feel closer. You're my anchor, babe. Like on a ship, not the news."
Or my personal favorite...
"Sarah, you were right ;)"
::love him::
"I'm so in love with you and you mean so much to me, but we are out driving with night vision. Text you later when we're done."
"And yes, I do feel closer. You're my anchor, babe. Like on a ship, not the news."
Or my personal favorite...
"Sarah, you were right ;)"
::love him::
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Super Support System
You get support from all sorts of places...and you never really realize how good you have it until crisis strikes. Or tragedy. Or whatever.
You always see those posts on Facebook. "You have xxxxx amount of friends, but how many of them are real friends? How many of them could you call in the middle of the night..." blah blah blah. As trite and cliche as it is...it gets you to think. How many of the friends on your list...or even friends in real life...could you call at 2am? How many could you ask to check out a funny mole? or tell a story about how you farted in the bathtub (for the record...I'm making this all up). Before the whole Jonny deployment thing...I would have wondered. But that's all since been cleared up.
I'm no martyr. I'm not saying that I need a pat on the back for making a sacrifice, or special recognition. That's not what I'm asking for. But I want to praise the people who are coming out of the woodwork and reaching out. From the friends who send daily text messages to see how I'm "doing today", to the ones who make sure I can't walk past them without getting a hug, to the ones who send e-mails, or the ones who grab me by my shoulders and say, "I'm here whenever you need me. You know that right? Any time. Don't be stubborn. If you need someone to talk to. I'm here." It's pretty obvious that I'm loved, thought of, and supported.
There are so many of you who have reached out...and I thank you for that. It's gonna be a long, hard, tear-filled year, but it'll be worth it. 1. Because I'll be surrounded by people like you, and 2. Because when it's all over...Jonny will be back in my arms.
So...to the author of this text..."Just read your last few blog entries. The world conspires against you at times, but God doesn't put anything in your path that you can't handle. Stay strong and this too shall pass."...and all the texts to come...Thank you, I love you...and God Bless :)
You always see those posts on Facebook. "You have xxxxx amount of friends, but how many of them are real friends? How many of them could you call in the middle of the night..." blah blah blah. As trite and cliche as it is...it gets you to think. How many of the friends on your list...or even friends in real life...could you call at 2am? How many could you ask to check out a funny mole? or tell a story about how you farted in the bathtub (for the record...I'm making this all up). Before the whole Jonny deployment thing...I would have wondered. But that's all since been cleared up.
I'm no martyr. I'm not saying that I need a pat on the back for making a sacrifice, or special recognition. That's not what I'm asking for. But I want to praise the people who are coming out of the woodwork and reaching out. From the friends who send daily text messages to see how I'm "doing today", to the ones who make sure I can't walk past them without getting a hug, to the ones who send e-mails, or the ones who grab me by my shoulders and say, "I'm here whenever you need me. You know that right? Any time. Don't be stubborn. If you need someone to talk to. I'm here." It's pretty obvious that I'm loved, thought of, and supported.
There are so many of you who have reached out...and I thank you for that. It's gonna be a long, hard, tear-filled year, but it'll be worth it. 1. Because I'll be surrounded by people like you, and 2. Because when it's all over...Jonny will be back in my arms.
So...to the author of this text..."Just read your last few blog entries. The world conspires against you at times, but God doesn't put anything in your path that you can't handle. Stay strong and this too shall pass."...and all the texts to come...Thank you, I love you...and God Bless :)
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Dream Texts and Snoring Grunts
I have 72 pictures on my laptop. I stole them from Jonny's mom's camera. He's not really all that fond of pictures...but somehow his mom manages to sneak a few in...
...or 72 of them.
I loaded them all on my computer the day before he left for Ripley...and I've looked at them every day since. Sometimes several times a day. Who am I kidding? Almost always several times a day. I miss him terribly, and he's not even gone yet.
It sounds so pathetic. Even more so, when you consider I'm wrapped up in a newly-sewn American flag blanket, wearing one of Jon's Army t-shirts that I haven't washed in two weeks. I'm sentimental...what can I say? But I guess sentimental (and possibly stinky) is better than crying and depressed...so I'll take it. This marks Day 3 of no tears, and that's a personal record over the past few months. And it's odd...because even though he's gone, we're closer than we've ever been. Does that make sense? If anything, you think I'd be crying more...and be more emotional and depressed than ever before. But this distance is bringing out the best in us...and him. He's texting as often as he can, and saying the sweetest things in the world.
It's the little things, and I feel so teeny-bopper-esque gushing about it, but I can't help it. It's what's re-assuring me that I'm absolutely making the right decision by sticking with him, and that he loves me just as much as I love him.
And for some odd reason, he's deciding to open up now (as opposed to a few weeks ago, when he self-admittedly was "mentally and emotionally shutting down.") It sounds trivial, but when I told him earlier today I was having a rough day at work, he told me "Time to leave there, baby." When I said, "I know. The search begins this weekend." He goes, "Where are we going?" You should have seen the smile on my face. Just a few weeks earlier, he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to leave Minnesota and leave this life behind. That statement came after months of telling me to "follow the money" and he'd follow close behind. The change in heart left me feeling insecure and unsure of myself and our relationship. Having him re-affirm that our love was enough for him to leave Minnesota...meant more to me than words can describe.
But words do a good job of making me happy too...like this exchange a half hour ago.
me: "Sleeping, babe?
him: "Yes lover, I am."
me: "Sleep texting? Impressive. Love you."
him: "Love you too. It's automatic texting you that I love you so much ;) so I can do it in my sleep. It's dream texting baby."
Cute, eh? Except he only got it half right. Because if it was a dream he wouldn't be sleeping in a bunk bed with 40 other grunts snoring around him...he'd be here with me...
God, I miss him.
...or 72 of them.
I loaded them all on my computer the day before he left for Ripley...and I've looked at them every day since. Sometimes several times a day. Who am I kidding? Almost always several times a day. I miss him terribly, and he's not even gone yet.
It sounds so pathetic. Even more so, when you consider I'm wrapped up in a newly-sewn American flag blanket, wearing one of Jon's Army t-shirts that I haven't washed in two weeks. I'm sentimental...what can I say? But I guess sentimental (and possibly stinky) is better than crying and depressed...so I'll take it. This marks Day 3 of no tears, and that's a personal record over the past few months. And it's odd...because even though he's gone, we're closer than we've ever been. Does that make sense? If anything, you think I'd be crying more...and be more emotional and depressed than ever before. But this distance is bringing out the best in us...and him. He's texting as often as he can, and saying the sweetest things in the world.
It's the little things, and I feel so teeny-bopper-esque gushing about it, but I can't help it. It's what's re-assuring me that I'm absolutely making the right decision by sticking with him, and that he loves me just as much as I love him.
And for some odd reason, he's deciding to open up now (as opposed to a few weeks ago, when he self-admittedly was "mentally and emotionally shutting down.") It sounds trivial, but when I told him earlier today I was having a rough day at work, he told me "Time to leave there, baby." When I said, "I know. The search begins this weekend." He goes, "Where are we going?" You should have seen the smile on my face. Just a few weeks earlier, he told me he wasn't sure he wanted to leave Minnesota and leave this life behind. That statement came after months of telling me to "follow the money" and he'd follow close behind. The change in heart left me feeling insecure and unsure of myself and our relationship. Having him re-affirm that our love was enough for him to leave Minnesota...meant more to me than words can describe.
But words do a good job of making me happy too...like this exchange a half hour ago.
me: "Sleeping, babe?
him: "Yes lover, I am."
me: "Sleep texting? Impressive. Love you."
him: "Love you too. It's automatic texting you that I love you so much ;) so I can do it in my sleep. It's dream texting baby."
Cute, eh? Except he only got it half right. Because if it was a dream he wouldn't be sleeping in a bunk bed with 40 other grunts snoring around him...he'd be here with me...
God, I miss him.
Friday, May 13, 2011
If Tissue-Paper Butterflies Could Fly...
I posted this on Facebook the day Jonny left for Annual Training at Camp Ripley...but I figured having two posts on blogspot in one day would be too much (ha!) so I'm posting it now.
Enjoy :)
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I'm handling today better than I thought. And you're not going to believe what I'm about to tell you. 1. I haven't cried today...though I'm convinced an angel or two did, because it was raining in Minnesota ;) and 2. Jonny called me this morning to tell me he was having an "emotional moment" when he realized he was leaving me behind this morning. Granted, my wording may be off a bit (it was 5:45 am, and I was slightly-less than alert), but it's pretty close. I love him. I'm proud of him. He's my living, walking, breathing hero. My Superman in Camo...and I couldn't be happier to call him mine :) I'm thankful for him and the sacrifices he's making, not only for me, but for total strangers. He's pretty remarkable.
Technically, my thankfulness post can end here...but it's not going to. Because, I'm not only thankful for Jonny, but for all the other wonderful people in my life. I'm thankful for everyone who remembered that Jonny was leaving for Ripley today, and for all of those people who squeezed a little harder when they hugged me today. I'm thankful that Jonny's mama told me I'm considered "part of the family"...(Jonny keep breathing! Ha)...because being closer to them makes me feel closer to him. And I'm thankful for a little boy in a hospital play room and the conversation we had on Monday.
I don't know his name. I don't know how old he is...or where he's from...or why he was in the hospital that day. What I do know...is that he touched my heart that afternoon amid a table of tissue paper butterflies. That was the craft project of the day. I already went through a bunch of kids, and this particular munchkin came in as I was getting ready to clean up and call it a day. There's no way he'll want to make butterflies.
Ha. Or so I thought.
He sat down, and not only wanted to make one, but several. He wanted to give one to his mom, and sister, and...me. (Please let the record show that he wanted to make mine second ;) ha). Anyway...we make his butterfly first...then...we make one for me. Now that we have two butterflies, he decided it was time to play with them. So...after he made them kiss (no joke), he made them fly. As I'm spinning around in circles in the craft room making my butterfly fly and soar...he makes his butterfly do a swan dive and crash to the floor. He then instructed me that it was my butterfly's job to rehab him...and take him to the butterfly hospital, to give him butterfly food and butterfly bandaids. And then he asked me..."Do you think butterflies can fly to heaven?"
I froze for a second...what do you say to someone else's kid in the hospital when he's asking a question about religion? Uhhh...and then it hit me. "I don't know. But if they can...do you think we should send a wish up?" His eyes lit up.
"Yeahhhhh!"
"What are you going to wish for?"
"For my butterfly to get better. What are you going to wish for?"
I sat still for a moment...leaned in close and said, "The exact same thing."
You couldn't put a price tag on that smile. "But...I already wished for that," he said. "So, you should pick something else."
"Hmmm....I'm going to have to think about that one peanut."
But that wasn't exactly true. Because I know exactly what I'd wish for. I wish the next year goes by like a flash of lightning. I wish for a convoy route free of IEDs. I wish he comes home without a scratch on him...and most importantly I wish for him to come home to me.
I wish for a world without war...and a love that stands the test of time.
And if that happens, I'll be thankful for that.
Now if only that tissue paper butterfly could actually fly...we'd be all set ;)
Enjoy :)
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I'm handling today better than I thought. And you're not going to believe what I'm about to tell you. 1. I haven't cried today...though I'm convinced an angel or two did, because it was raining in Minnesota ;) and 2. Jonny called me this morning to tell me he was having an "emotional moment" when he realized he was leaving me behind this morning. Granted, my wording may be off a bit (it was 5:45 am, and I was slightly-less than alert), but it's pretty close. I love him. I'm proud of him. He's my living, walking, breathing hero. My Superman in Camo...and I couldn't be happier to call him mine :) I'm thankful for him and the sacrifices he's making, not only for me, but for total strangers. He's pretty remarkable.
Technically, my thankfulness post can end here...but it's not going to. Because, I'm not only thankful for Jonny, but for all the other wonderful people in my life. I'm thankful for everyone who remembered that Jonny was leaving for Ripley today, and for all of those people who squeezed a little harder when they hugged me today. I'm thankful that Jonny's mama told me I'm considered "part of the family"...(Jonny keep breathing! Ha)...because being closer to them makes me feel closer to him. And I'm thankful for a little boy in a hospital play room and the conversation we had on Monday.
I don't know his name. I don't know how old he is...or where he's from...or why he was in the hospital that day. What I do know...is that he touched my heart that afternoon amid a table of tissue paper butterflies. That was the craft project of the day. I already went through a bunch of kids, and this particular munchkin came in as I was getting ready to clean up and call it a day. There's no way he'll want to make butterflies.
Ha. Or so I thought.
He sat down, and not only wanted to make one, but several. He wanted to give one to his mom, and sister, and...me. (Please let the record show that he wanted to make mine second ;) ha). Anyway...we make his butterfly first...then...we make one for me. Now that we have two butterflies, he decided it was time to play with them. So...after he made them kiss (no joke), he made them fly. As I'm spinning around in circles in the craft room making my butterfly fly and soar...he makes his butterfly do a swan dive and crash to the floor. He then instructed me that it was my butterfly's job to rehab him...and take him to the butterfly hospital, to give him butterfly food and butterfly bandaids. And then he asked me..."Do you think butterflies can fly to heaven?"
I froze for a second...what do you say to someone else's kid in the hospital when he's asking a question about religion? Uhhh...and then it hit me. "I don't know. But if they can...do you think we should send a wish up?" His eyes lit up.
"Yeahhhhh!"
"What are you going to wish for?"
"For my butterfly to get better. What are you going to wish for?"
I sat still for a moment...leaned in close and said, "The exact same thing."
You couldn't put a price tag on that smile. "But...I already wished for that," he said. "So, you should pick something else."
"Hmmm....I'm going to have to think about that one peanut."
But that wasn't exactly true. Because I know exactly what I'd wish for. I wish the next year goes by like a flash of lightning. I wish for a convoy route free of IEDs. I wish he comes home without a scratch on him...and most importantly I wish for him to come home to me.
I wish for a world without war...and a love that stands the test of time.
And if that happens, I'll be thankful for that.
Now if only that tissue paper butterfly could actually fly...we'd be all set ;)
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Going Beyond the Yellow Ribbon
I'm so excited. I can't contain it. I know...a change of pace, right? I'm not crying, not ranting, not talking about how my world is falling apart...because I'm being the change I wish to see in the world...and making a group where there is none.
I've said on here before that FRG's and other groups are made for Families (duh...that's what the "F" stands for)...but there's nothing for boyfriends or girlfriends. We're welcome there for the social aspect, but when they talk about anything good...we have to go. That doesn't even take into account that most of these things are taking place in cities that are hours from where I live...or the fact that I simply don't fit in in these groups to begin with. I'm not a wife. I'm not a mother. I'm not a fiance. Just a girlfriend that's crazy about her soldier.
So I e-mailed our local Beyond the Yellow Ribbon chapter about starting a group for people just like me. I can't be alone...I know I can't, and if I'm feeling this way...chances are, dozens of other people are feeling this way too. We're all caught in this massive grey area. And I'm setting out to break free from that.
I wasn't sure how it was going to be received...but within an hour or so, I got a response back. They weren't just interested -- they were VERY interested, and wanted me to help them head something up. Next thing you know, we scheduled a meeting...and that little coffee meeting, turned into a big meeting with more people from the organization. I made my pitch (or my plea...haha)...and they're on board. They're going to help me facilitate a group for military significant others. We'll have mixers and speakers and outreach events...and they basically said the group is whatever I make it, and they're just there to help. I'm thrilled. I'm excited. I can't wait to get started. Not only because this will be a tremendous asset to me, but because maybe, just maybe, it'll help some other people in Southeast Minnesota...and if it does at least that...if it helps at least one person...helps them sleep, helps them understand, helps them feel a little less alone...then I've done what I've set out to do.
And I can't wait to get started...
I've said on here before that FRG's and other groups are made for Families (duh...that's what the "F" stands for)...but there's nothing for boyfriends or girlfriends. We're welcome there for the social aspect, but when they talk about anything good...we have to go. That doesn't even take into account that most of these things are taking place in cities that are hours from where I live...or the fact that I simply don't fit in in these groups to begin with. I'm not a wife. I'm not a mother. I'm not a fiance. Just a girlfriend that's crazy about her soldier.
So I e-mailed our local Beyond the Yellow Ribbon chapter about starting a group for people just like me. I can't be alone...I know I can't, and if I'm feeling this way...chances are, dozens of other people are feeling this way too. We're all caught in this massive grey area. And I'm setting out to break free from that.
I wasn't sure how it was going to be received...but within an hour or so, I got a response back. They weren't just interested -- they were VERY interested, and wanted me to help them head something up. Next thing you know, we scheduled a meeting...and that little coffee meeting, turned into a big meeting with more people from the organization. I made my pitch (or my plea...haha)...and they're on board. They're going to help me facilitate a group for military significant others. We'll have mixers and speakers and outreach events...and they basically said the group is whatever I make it, and they're just there to help. I'm thrilled. I'm excited. I can't wait to get started. Not only because this will be a tremendous asset to me, but because maybe, just maybe, it'll help some other people in Southeast Minnesota...and if it does at least that...if it helps at least one person...helps them sleep, helps them understand, helps them feel a little less alone...then I've done what I've set out to do.
And I can't wait to get started...
Friday, May 6, 2011
Eating Ice Cream by the Pint
I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be tough, but that's not working all that well. I'm crying. A lot. I'm crying way more than any one person should. I'm not sleeping. I'm wide awake until about 2 in the morning, I toss and turn all night and then am awake and up for the day by 6 (at the latest). Then I work all day and repeat the process. Oh, and I'm eating like a pig. Turns out my feelings are delicious...and I'm packing on pounds like you wouldn't believe. I'm fragile. I'm insecure. I'm scared out of my mind...and completely and utterly alone.
And he wants me to be strong? I'm the furthest thing from strong. Soldiers are trained to be strong. They're trained to be brave. They're trained to choke down their emotions.
I am not.
They're marching towards the edge of a cliff with their eyes on the prize and their chins toward the skies. No one wants to fall off a cliff. They're no different. But they do it because they've been trained to. They do it, because they know that the benefit to the whole is better than the risk to the individual. They do it...because they know that, even though they might free fall and feel entirely out of control in the beginning, eventually their parachute will kick in, they'll glide to safety...and if they don't...their sacrifice will be worth it, because they fought for what was right, they waged war against evil, stood up for the freedoms of million of Americans, and were heroic until their very last breath.
And then there's me.
Kicking and screaming. I don't have a damn parachute...I don't like heights, and I want nothing to do with this cliff. For that matter...I don't want my soldier anywhere near this cliff either, and if he wasn't so hell bent on jumping over the edge, I'd be clinging on tight to his ankles hoping that the weight of my lifeless, crying body would be enough to slow him down and have him reconsider. But he won't. Because that soldier is Jonny, that cliff is deployment, and like it or not, he's going over the edge.
He's got a lot on his plate. He's stressed, he's scared, he's terrified, and soon to be lonely. He's leaving American soil with the full knowledge that he may never come back. I can't imagine what that's like. I have no idea. Guessing only trivializes the experience, and that's not what I'm trying to do. But what I will say is this. I'm scared too. I'm terrified. My world is falling apart at the seams, I'm breaking down around every corner...all the while trying to keep it all together with bubble gum and toothpicks so as not to make it more difficult for him.
I'm being needy, dramatic and over the top. But I can't help it. It's hard for him yes, but it's hard for me too...and I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. The emotions build up and leak out eventually...and I long for a little comfort and support. I'm aching for some sort of promise, some sort of commitment, that yes, he wants to be with me when he gets home, that yes, I mean something to him, that no, he can't imagine life without me, and that yes, he loves me more than anything. I feel like if I had some sort of proclamation, my heart would settle down just a bit. But I don't. And I can't.
I know how crazy that sounds...we've been together for three months. But those three months have been brought down by the weight of his deployment. We knew from the beginning that this was coming, and we both made the conscious decision to move forward. The end has always been near, but we took a risk...and therefore propelled ourselves onto this fast track of "I love you", "I need you", "oh baby, oh baby."
Yet here I sit. On the edge of a year...in a state without family, and only a handful of friends. I have no problem waiting for a year. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. He means the world to me...honestly, he does. I just don't want to be "an option". I don't want to put my life on hold, make sacrifices on the home front, and come up short. There's no way to predict what will happen over the next year, but I'd like to know how he's feeling now, and if (from this vantage point) he sees me in his future.
I love him...from the deepest corners of my heart, and I just want to be assured that he feels the exact same way.
Until then...I'll keep digging my heels in the ground...avoiding that cliff...and eating ice cream by the pint.
And he wants me to be strong? I'm the furthest thing from strong. Soldiers are trained to be strong. They're trained to be brave. They're trained to choke down their emotions.
I am not.
They're marching towards the edge of a cliff with their eyes on the prize and their chins toward the skies. No one wants to fall off a cliff. They're no different. But they do it because they've been trained to. They do it, because they know that the benefit to the whole is better than the risk to the individual. They do it...because they know that, even though they might free fall and feel entirely out of control in the beginning, eventually their parachute will kick in, they'll glide to safety...and if they don't...their sacrifice will be worth it, because they fought for what was right, they waged war against evil, stood up for the freedoms of million of Americans, and were heroic until their very last breath.
And then there's me.
Kicking and screaming. I don't have a damn parachute...I don't like heights, and I want nothing to do with this cliff. For that matter...I don't want my soldier anywhere near this cliff either, and if he wasn't so hell bent on jumping over the edge, I'd be clinging on tight to his ankles hoping that the weight of my lifeless, crying body would be enough to slow him down and have him reconsider. But he won't. Because that soldier is Jonny, that cliff is deployment, and like it or not, he's going over the edge.
He's got a lot on his plate. He's stressed, he's scared, he's terrified, and soon to be lonely. He's leaving American soil with the full knowledge that he may never come back. I can't imagine what that's like. I have no idea. Guessing only trivializes the experience, and that's not what I'm trying to do. But what I will say is this. I'm scared too. I'm terrified. My world is falling apart at the seams, I'm breaking down around every corner...all the while trying to keep it all together with bubble gum and toothpicks so as not to make it more difficult for him.
I'm being needy, dramatic and over the top. But I can't help it. It's hard for him yes, but it's hard for me too...and I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. The emotions build up and leak out eventually...and I long for a little comfort and support. I'm aching for some sort of promise, some sort of commitment, that yes, he wants to be with me when he gets home, that yes, I mean something to him, that no, he can't imagine life without me, and that yes, he loves me more than anything. I feel like if I had some sort of proclamation, my heart would settle down just a bit. But I don't. And I can't.
I know how crazy that sounds...we've been together for three months. But those three months have been brought down by the weight of his deployment. We knew from the beginning that this was coming, and we both made the conscious decision to move forward. The end has always been near, but we took a risk...and therefore propelled ourselves onto this fast track of "I love you", "I need you", "oh baby, oh baby."
Yet here I sit. On the edge of a year...in a state without family, and only a handful of friends. I have no problem waiting for a year. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. He means the world to me...honestly, he does. I just don't want to be "an option". I don't want to put my life on hold, make sacrifices on the home front, and come up short. There's no way to predict what will happen over the next year, but I'd like to know how he's feeling now, and if (from this vantage point) he sees me in his future.
I love him...from the deepest corners of my heart, and I just want to be assured that he feels the exact same way.
Until then...I'll keep digging my heels in the ground...avoiding that cliff...and eating ice cream by the pint.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Time is Running Out...
Tick. Tock.
You can't escape it.
Tick.
That deafening noise that never ceases.
Tock.
You can turn the radio up, jam your fingers in your ears, twirl around in circles and scream and shout...but it will prevail. It always does.
Tick, Tick, Tick.
You can run...but you can't hide. Give it your best shot. It'll find you.
Tock.
I promise.
Because time stops for no one. The second hand will continue its swoop around the clock...and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours to days and days to years. And there's not a damn thing you can do...but throw your hands in the air, tilt your face toward the heavens with tear-stained cheeks and wonder, "Where the hell did the time go?"
Tick. Tock. Tick.
My boyfriend deploys in less than a week. He'll be based in Kuwait as a Lieutenant with the National Guard, leading convoy escorts back and forth from Northern Iraq. He'll be gone for a year.
Tick.
I have 5 days.
Tock.
We've been together for (not even) 3 months.
Tick.
And now all we have is 5 days...
Tock.
Before 365 of the most miserable days of my life.
Tick. Tock.
And I can't do it alone. Military readiness groups aren't meant for significant others. Blood and Vows. That's what the military cares about. I'm not family...and there's no promise that I ever will be, but I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, and I've never felt more ill prepared for anything in my life. I can't be alone. That's why I'm writing this. I'm hoping this blog will help lead me to other people who have gone through, are going through, or will be going through exactly what I'm going through now...the deployment of a boyfriend (or girlfriend).
But even if it doesn't...I need an outlet. I need a way to express myself in a way that won't burden my loved ones. I need to be able to sit on my couch for three days straight, sobbing my eyes out, eating cookies dunked in ice cream and just let it all out...without judgment.
That's what I'm hoping to get out of this.
So who am I?
My name is Sarah. I'm 26 years old. I'm a broadcast journalist who's on the verge of saying good bye to the love of her life. I'm patriotic. I'm proud.
I'm Red, White and (mostly) Blue.
and scared out of my mind...
You can't escape it.
Tick.
That deafening noise that never ceases.
Tock.
You can turn the radio up, jam your fingers in your ears, twirl around in circles and scream and shout...but it will prevail. It always does.
Tick, Tick, Tick.
You can run...but you can't hide. Give it your best shot. It'll find you.
Tock.
I promise.
Because time stops for no one. The second hand will continue its swoop around the clock...and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours to days and days to years. And there's not a damn thing you can do...but throw your hands in the air, tilt your face toward the heavens with tear-stained cheeks and wonder, "Where the hell did the time go?"
Tick. Tock. Tick.
My boyfriend deploys in less than a week. He'll be based in Kuwait as a Lieutenant with the National Guard, leading convoy escorts back and forth from Northern Iraq. He'll be gone for a year.
Tick.
I have 5 days.
Tock.
We've been together for (not even) 3 months.
Tick.
And now all we have is 5 days...
Tock.
Before 365 of the most miserable days of my life.
Tick. Tock.
And I can't do it alone. Military readiness groups aren't meant for significant others. Blood and Vows. That's what the military cares about. I'm not family...and there's no promise that I ever will be, but I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone, and I've never felt more ill prepared for anything in my life. I can't be alone. That's why I'm writing this. I'm hoping this blog will help lead me to other people who have gone through, are going through, or will be going through exactly what I'm going through now...the deployment of a boyfriend (or girlfriend).
But even if it doesn't...I need an outlet. I need a way to express myself in a way that won't burden my loved ones. I need to be able to sit on my couch for three days straight, sobbing my eyes out, eating cookies dunked in ice cream and just let it all out...without judgment.
That's what I'm hoping to get out of this.
So who am I?
My name is Sarah. I'm 26 years old. I'm a broadcast journalist who's on the verge of saying good bye to the love of her life. I'm patriotic. I'm proud.
I'm Red, White and (mostly) Blue.
and scared out of my mind...
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