How does it feel to have someone you love deploy? Like a kick in teeth. Like you're falling into a pit to which there is no bottom. You can't breathe...your heart feels like it's being shattered into a million pieces...and the world as you know it is slowly coming to a very dramatic end. You can watch as many movies as you want...you can tune in to see deployment ceremonies on the news, and it, in no way, begins to capture the enormity of the emotions...from heart break to fear, to pride (and an immense amount of it).
I've covered deployment ceremonies. I've interviewed crying mothers. I've watched as fathers kiss their children good bye. I've heard the sobs, seen the shakes, watched the worlds shatter. I've witnessed it. I've been there. I've felt it.
Nothing could have prepared me for this.
Nothing.
And it's nothing that I can explain to you. Nothing you'll ever truly grasp until you're there. Until you're standing there in a crowd of hundreds of people, waving an American flag and praying as hard as you can that your soldier can't see your tears from across the field house.
I know he'll be fine. He is so brave, and so smart and so intelligent. More than my boyfriend or my best friend...he's my living, walking, breathing hero. I love him more than words can say.
Saying good bye to him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was both looking forward to, and dreading this day like you wouldn't believe. On the one hand, I got to see him for the first time in two weeks. On the other hand...I knew that reunion would come to an end...and when it did, it would be for a lot longer than two weeks. When I got to the hotel, I went running into his arms. I was so excited to see him I couldn't contain it. It almost didn't feel real. Seeing him, touching him, kissing him...it was like some wonderful dream...and one I wish would never end.
The first night was fantastic. We went out to the bar with a group of his soldiers at about 9:30 (and I finally got to eat dinner). I got to meet his people (and I'm apparently the first of his girlfriends he's ever done this with). We laughed, we joked...we stayed up late and shut the bar down ;) He surprised me with wine, a bubble bath, reese's pieces and more kisses than a girl could ask for. He fell asleep...I climbed into our room's whirlpool, and eventually crawled in next to him. It was like home to me. I can't explain it. Those arms...it's just where I'm meant to be. It's as simple as that. He slept...I watched. I couldn't fall asleep. Suddenly I wasn't tired at all, and the last thing I wanted to do was close my eyes. I might miss something. What...I'm not sure, but I didn't want to chance it. Eventually, exhaustion prevailed. I dozed off at about 4:30...excuse me 0430...and was up and at 'em when my soldier woke up for the day at 0630.
Two hours of sleep and I never felt better ;)
From there...he headed off to the Armory...and within minutes, his family was knocking at the hotel room door. I spent the day with them, cruising around town, going on a scavenger hunt for the fairgrounds, and the Armory, and then to lunch before heading back to see Jonny again at the hotel. Then...deployment ceremony time. Patriot Guard members lined the parking lot holding their flags. The place was buzzing with activity hours before the ceremony started. We got seats in some bleachers off the side, and my 5'1" self was very pleased with the concept of elevated seating.
The ceremony was beautiful. Watching them march in gave me goose bumps. Luckily for me, he was in the front row, I could see him perfectly...and I never took my eyes off of him. Sure, I listened to the speakers, but I had no desire to actually watch them. I stared at my Jonny...stealing as many looks as I could while I still had the opportunity to do so. I held it together well. I thought for sure I'd be crying at this thing like a baby...surprisingly, I wasn't. If anything, I was proud. My little chest was all puffed up. That's my man. That's my baby. That's my hero. When the men at the podium talked about how brave they were, how strong they were, how selfless they were...I couldn't even think about crying. I was too proud to think that someone that fit that description even thought about wasting his time with me. Endlessly proud...that's what I was.
Until a retired Colonel took to the stage. His speech was powerful and inspiring. You could have heard a pin drop. And then his voice started cracking...and rather than a pin, you heard the collective sniffles of the crowd, and watched as a single tear made its slow descent down my cheek...hurdling its way to my thigh with a splash.
This man was good.
From that point, the tears were sporadic. Here or there, I'd well up...but overall, I kept it together well. Until...that handsome man of mine started his swagger towards us in his ACUs. To be honest, I wasn't even sure he knew where we were sitting. I saw him do his family's patented nose tap during the ceremony, but wasn't sure if that was an intent delivery, or done with the hope that maybe his loved ones lost somewhere among the masses may have seen this one familiar gesture, swell with pride and think, "That's our Jonny."
Well, he did see us, because as soon as it was over, he started walking right towards us. Seeing him...witnessing that...knowing that a hug was so close, I lost it. I think the reality of what was to come was finally sinking in. It wasn't the deployment ceremony...or the pomp and circumstance...or the uniforms...or the speakers...it was the thought that, in less than 12 hours...I would be kissing him for the last time in 12 months.
And that's when that damn clock started ticking again.
12 hours. And I'd be asleep for part of it. Suddenly it felt like the walls were closing in. My heart started pounding, I couldn't breathe. The only thing that came naturally, were tears...and those were the one thing I promised him I wouldn't do at this ceremony.
So...I did the next best thing, I turned my back. I saw as he approached, I heard him hug his family...and I just faced the opposite direction hoping my tears would go unnoticed.
They didn't.
His sister and dad told me to turn around. They even joked that the guy in the row behind me had a very large onion. I laughed, but it hurt.
Tick, Tock.
We went for a walk...and met the Captain of his Company. Before long, we were out the door...and on our way to Applebee's. Dinner came and went...and so did his family. As I watched the hugs, I wasn't sure who was braver, Jonny or his family. I was envious of their strength. Envious of their shallow tear ducts, or (more likely) the immense amount of willpower it took to suppress those emotions. It's something I lack. My emotions are right on the surface. It's hard to mask them. Impossible to do so if you actually know me.
Tick, Tock.
Once they left, I broke down. I crumpled into a messy heap of tears. I sobbed. For the first time in weeks, I let it all out...I let it all go. My goal was to not cry until I actually had to say good bye. I didn't make it. I sobbed. It was messy...it wasn't at all pretty. But it felt good. It felt good to get out weeks of pent up emotion.
I blame the Colonel.
We bickered a bit that night. Not sure why. We both hate it. We both make up instantly. I blame the stress of deployment...I think it wears on us. Actually - let me speak for me...in my case, I know it does. And as quickly as we argued...we made up. We snuggled. He held me all night long, never let go, and I slept like a baby.
Tick, Tock.
The 5am alarm came far too soon. I wasn't ready. I wanted to stop time. I instantly wanted one more day...one more hour. One more chance. I wasn't ready to walk away. I wasn't ready to say good bye. I wasn't ready for all of this to end.
I realize it's not ending. I realize he'll just be gone for a year. I realize he'll come back. I just hope it's to me. The thought of living without him, spending our first Christmas without him, not being able to kiss him on New Year's, spending Valentine's Day alone, and not having him be there for our anniversary weighed heavy on my heart. I love this man. I adore him. I can't imagine leaving him.
Tick, tock.
Yet, in just 60 minutes, I'd have to do just that. I cried in the shower, hoping the water would drown out my sobs. I cried when I got dressed, cried as I put on my make-up. I cried when I packed up my bags, and cried when I looked at his sweet face as he fell back asleep. How could I leave that face?
Tick, Tock.
He walked me out. And once I loaded up my car, and he pulled me in close, I lost it. I sobbed. I sobbed harder than I did the night before. Despite the fact that I was embarassed...despite the fact I felt bad for making it harder for him...I did it all again. Huge, dramatic, over the top. My heart was breaking. Absolutely breaking. As I said, you can't possibly understand what it's like.
I cried for the first 45 minutes of the car ride. And once my tears slowed to a trickle, I called my best friend, who told me she'd be standing by and waiting for my call, no matter what time. We talked, I cried. She calmed me down. I talked to Jonny for awhile after that, and then called his parents and talked to them for a bit.
I miss him. I miss him with every fiber in my being. A life without him isn't a life worth living. Thankfully, I only have to do it for 365 more days.
365 more days and he's back in my arms once again.
The clock is once again ticking...but this time...I hardly notice it.
Tick, Tock...
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