Just when you think it (really) can't get any worse.
He may (or may not) have cheated.
An RPG just hit me from the back...
and my world is slowly crumbling to pieces.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Turning the Page
I've been reading a lot of books lately. Inundating myself with military knowledge. I'm on my fourth in about a month and a half. My absolute favorite was "Just Another Soldier" - I'll get into why in a different post, because this post has less to do with my favorite books, and more to do with a random epiphany of mine.
I'm about three quarters of the way through a book called "The Blog of War: Front-Line Dispatches from Soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan." It isn't anything like I thought it would be. Essentially, the author compiled hundreds of blogs into a book, divied them up into chapters based on common themes and called it good. I've read through chapters on deploying and Army medics, and a variety of other things just fine...and then I got to the one on death. I didn't want to read that chapter. I tried my best to avoid it...and did a really good job...for about a week. It was as if reading it somehow validated it. I refuse to accept the fact that death is a part of war. At least not now that I have a personal connection to war. Thinking of it as a scary place, where death is imminent, doesn't mesh well with thoughts of my sweetheart being there. Avoiding this chapter meant avoiding reality...and I was OK with that.
And then I noticed something.
My calendar is still stuck on May 12th - the day Jonny left for AT (Annual Training) at Camp Ripley. It's one of those calendars where you tear a page off each day. I've apparently neglected that task for more than a month. It's almost as if pulling off that next page makes it more real. Admitting that we're now in June (and not May) puts us closer to D-Day (Deployment Day). It was my own little subconscious attempt to stop the hands of time. I admire my psyche...and it's desire to build the bricks up around my heart and protect it from the inevitable.
Oh...and my personal refusal to wear anything to bed but the Army shirt he gave me before he left. His smell still lingered on it for the longest time...and it was comforting. Almost as if his arms were wrapped around me.
I've since washed it (a couple of times), and it doesn't smell a thing like him anymore.
I've also pulled all the days off my calendar...but for some reason, left May 12th laying on the counter right in front the calendar.
And...for the first time...I started reading the chapter on death.
....................................................................................
On a side note...Welcome Canada. It's nice to have you reading :)
I'm about three quarters of the way through a book called "The Blog of War: Front-Line Dispatches from Soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan." It isn't anything like I thought it would be. Essentially, the author compiled hundreds of blogs into a book, divied them up into chapters based on common themes and called it good. I've read through chapters on deploying and Army medics, and a variety of other things just fine...and then I got to the one on death. I didn't want to read that chapter. I tried my best to avoid it...and did a really good job...for about a week. It was as if reading it somehow validated it. I refuse to accept the fact that death is a part of war. At least not now that I have a personal connection to war. Thinking of it as a scary place, where death is imminent, doesn't mesh well with thoughts of my sweetheart being there. Avoiding this chapter meant avoiding reality...and I was OK with that.
And then I noticed something.
My calendar is still stuck on May 12th - the day Jonny left for AT (Annual Training) at Camp Ripley. It's one of those calendars where you tear a page off each day. I've apparently neglected that task for more than a month. It's almost as if pulling off that next page makes it more real. Admitting that we're now in June (and not May) puts us closer to D-Day (Deployment Day). It was my own little subconscious attempt to stop the hands of time. I admire my psyche...and it's desire to build the bricks up around my heart and protect it from the inevitable.
Oh...and my personal refusal to wear anything to bed but the Army shirt he gave me before he left. His smell still lingered on it for the longest time...and it was comforting. Almost as if his arms were wrapped around me.
I've since washed it (a couple of times), and it doesn't smell a thing like him anymore.
I've also pulled all the days off my calendar...but for some reason, left May 12th laying on the counter right in front the calendar.
And...for the first time...I started reading the chapter on death.
....................................................................................
On a side note...Welcome Canada. It's nice to have you reading :)
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Oh my goodness! Oh my goodness!!
I still can't believe it. I've been on cloud nine for about 3 hours now...and have no intention of coming down any time soon.
Please don't pinch me :P
Fort McCoy is throwing this giant BBQ Extravaganza for the soldiers on July 10. I found out about it a few weeks ago from Jonny's family, because they got something in the mail. Thinking Jonny might not know about it yet (because if he did, wouldn't he have brought it up?) I texted him immediately. Turns out, he knew about it, but didn't want me to go. He said it was hard enough saying good bye to me once, and he didn't want to have to go through all of that again.
Too emotional.
Too tough.
Too draining.
I understood completely. That good bye wasn't easy. Not even close, and to be honest...I wasn't entirely sure I could handle it either.
But on the flip side...I wasn't too sure I could handle not seeing him either. A little pain is worth a few hours of happiness, right?
Ultimately, the decision was his. If he wanted me to go, I would be front and center. If it was going to make it more difficult for him, I'd swallow my own pride and keep things in order on the homefront.
He's flopped like a fish pretty much every week. One minute he wants me there...one minute he doesn't.
Finally today, I gave him the ultimatum.
(ring, ring)
"Hey hun? I know you don't want to talk about this, and you can't make up your mind...but, that BBQ is less than a month away, and if I'm going, I'll need to know soon because I'll have to take off work. So...sleep on it...make up your mind...and let me know by tomorrow, k?"
"Honey, what day is the 10th?"
"Sunday."
"Don't you work?"
"Yes. But I'll take it off if I have to."
"No, that's dumb. Don't do that. You'll only get to see me for like three hours."
"So? That's not a good enough reason."
"Well, it'll be a waste of time."
"That's still not a good enough reason. A good reason is...'Sarah, I don't want to see you again because it'll be too hard for me...because I can't imagine seeing you again just to have to leave you again.' That's a good reason."
"Well, that's true. But it's also a lot of driving. You'd be in the car longer than you'd be here."
"Again...that's up to me. Not you. If driving and time and work and all that wasn't a factor...and we're just talking about you and what you want. Would you have me be there or no?"
"No. You'll get to see me on the 15th anyway."
(pause)
"Go ahead and gasp." (ha, I gasp when I get excited...or surprised...and I love surprises).
"What? the 15th? Why?"
"Our pass got approved. I'm coming home!"
((GASP!!!!))
"Seriously?"
"Yes!"
"Oh my God! I can't believe it!!"
"Yeah honey...see? So there's no point in coming to Wisconsin on the 10th...because I'll just see you five days later."
And I've been smiling ever since :)
Please don't pinch me :P
Fort McCoy is throwing this giant BBQ Extravaganza for the soldiers on July 10. I found out about it a few weeks ago from Jonny's family, because they got something in the mail. Thinking Jonny might not know about it yet (because if he did, wouldn't he have brought it up?) I texted him immediately. Turns out, he knew about it, but didn't want me to go. He said it was hard enough saying good bye to me once, and he didn't want to have to go through all of that again.
Too emotional.
Too tough.
Too draining.
I understood completely. That good bye wasn't easy. Not even close, and to be honest...I wasn't entirely sure I could handle it either.
But on the flip side...I wasn't too sure I could handle not seeing him either. A little pain is worth a few hours of happiness, right?
Ultimately, the decision was his. If he wanted me to go, I would be front and center. If it was going to make it more difficult for him, I'd swallow my own pride and keep things in order on the homefront.
He's flopped like a fish pretty much every week. One minute he wants me there...one minute he doesn't.
Finally today, I gave him the ultimatum.
(ring, ring)
"Hey hun? I know you don't want to talk about this, and you can't make up your mind...but, that BBQ is less than a month away, and if I'm going, I'll need to know soon because I'll have to take off work. So...sleep on it...make up your mind...and let me know by tomorrow, k?"
"Honey, what day is the 10th?"
"Sunday."
"Don't you work?"
"Yes. But I'll take it off if I have to."
"No, that's dumb. Don't do that. You'll only get to see me for like three hours."
"So? That's not a good enough reason."
"Well, it'll be a waste of time."
"That's still not a good enough reason. A good reason is...'Sarah, I don't want to see you again because it'll be too hard for me...because I can't imagine seeing you again just to have to leave you again.' That's a good reason."
"Well, that's true. But it's also a lot of driving. You'd be in the car longer than you'd be here."
"Again...that's up to me. Not you. If driving and time and work and all that wasn't a factor...and we're just talking about you and what you want. Would you have me be there or no?"
"No. You'll get to see me on the 15th anyway."
(pause)
"Go ahead and gasp." (ha, I gasp when I get excited...or surprised...and I love surprises).
"What? the 15th? Why?"
"Our pass got approved. I'm coming home!"
((GASP!!!!))
"Seriously?"
"Yes!"
"Oh my God! I can't believe it!!"
"Yeah honey...see? So there's no point in coming to Wisconsin on the 10th...because I'll just see you five days later."
And I've been smiling ever since :)
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Decisions...Decisions...
Here's a question for you...
If you're not happy with your job (and I mean really not happy), do you stay there for another year 'til your soldier comes home and make sure your love survives? Or do you move on, leave the state, get a new job and just hope it does?
Looks like I now have two incredibly-loud, clicking clocks on my shelf.
::sigh::
If you're not happy with your job (and I mean really not happy), do you stay there for another year 'til your soldier comes home and make sure your love survives? Or do you move on, leave the state, get a new job and just hope it does?
Looks like I now have two incredibly-loud, clicking clocks on my shelf.
::sigh::
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
one empty chair...
You never get used to deployment. You can push it to the corners of your mind...ignore it...refuse to accept it...and though it might make it a little easier for awhile...you never get used to it.
Since I can still text him and (occasionally) call him, I convince myself he's on some sort of tropical vacation somewhere...or on a business trip...but deep down, I know that's not true. It makes the day to day easier, but when those days hold a special significance...it's hard to ignore that giant hole in your heart. I had an award banquet tonight for work. I got second place for best young Journalist of the Year, and first place for a Series report I did on drunk driving. My mom was by my side, and I was thrilled to have her there, but I couldn't help but feel like something was missing...or at least...someone. It didn't help that there was an empty chair at the table too.
It was a great night, a marvelous night...a wonderful night...I just wish he could have been there too. Not just in heart or in spirit...but actually there.
I miss him always...but more on nights like this...
Since I can still text him and (occasionally) call him, I convince myself he's on some sort of tropical vacation somewhere...or on a business trip...but deep down, I know that's not true. It makes the day to day easier, but when those days hold a special significance...it's hard to ignore that giant hole in your heart. I had an award banquet tonight for work. I got second place for best young Journalist of the Year, and first place for a Series report I did on drunk driving. My mom was by my side, and I was thrilled to have her there, but I couldn't help but feel like something was missing...or at least...someone. It didn't help that there was an empty chair at the table too.
It was a great night, a marvelous night...a wonderful night...I just wish he could have been there too. Not just in heart or in spirit...but actually there.
I miss him always...but more on nights like this...
Monday, June 6, 2011
Shiny, Shiny!
He said the words Shiny, Shiny! Well...not just that...but he said them in the same sentence in the word as "I" and "bought" and "for you."
I was told I can't ask any questions.
I'm pretty much bursting at the seams though...
SHINY SHINY people!! He bought Shiny Shiny! :)
I was told I can't ask any questions.
I'm pretty much bursting at the seams though...
SHINY SHINY people!! He bought Shiny Shiny! :)
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Whatever will be will be...
Things are going better. It just takes time. I need to learn to be patient...stop reading into things. Stop over analyzing. I need to be confident, patient and strong. I need to accept that I'm powerless in the grand scheme of things, acknowledge that there are things beyond my control.
I just need to be.
Stop worrying...
and just be.
The military is beyond my control, this mission is beyond my control, insurgents are beyond my control...there's very little about this entire situation that I have any control over, and I have to learn how to accept it.
Whatever will be will be...and there's not a whole lot I can do about it...so why fret?
Easier said than done of course...but every marathon begins with a single step.
I just need to be.
Stop worrying...
and just be.
The military is beyond my control, this mission is beyond my control, insurgents are beyond my control...there's very little about this entire situation that I have any control over, and I have to learn how to accept it.
Whatever will be will be...and there's not a whole lot I can do about it...so why fret?
Easier said than done of course...but every marathon begins with a single step.
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