The Anticipation is the Worst...

I'm having a difficult time with today.  I'm not sure why.  All I do know is that my heart feels heavy.  It's amazing to me how my feelings can fluctuate so quickly.  It's almost as if I'm bipolar.  (I'm not).   I liken it to a roller coaster - the anticipation is the worst part, right?  I mean...when you pick the biggest roller coaster in the park, your adrenalin is pumping.  You're more excited than anything else, and it doesn't even occur to you, that things are gonna get real scary in half an hour (or however long it takes you to get to the front of the line). 

Then you wait.

You watch.

You see person after person in front of you work their way to the front of the line.  You see them ride the coaster and scream, cry, puke, shake, whatever...and then you suddenly wonder why the hell you got in this line to begin with.  I mean...you're doing this to yourself, right?  You paid to enter the park, you made the decision to stand in line...and (at one point) you thought it would be a great idea to project yourself through the air like a high-speed missile.  And what for?  If you're that scared...why do it? 

Good question.

Yet...there you sit (or stand) snaking through the line...going through the motions.

It's the anticipation that gets you.  The closer you get...the harder your heart beats.  And just when you think it can't get any worse...you hop on, strap yourself in...and hear that God-awful clicking sound as the roller coaster slowly makes its ascent.  You know it's coming.  You know it can't tick-on forever, and in a matter of seconds there will be no more upward track, gravity will take its toll, and the whole thing will go hurdling downward.

From that point on...you're fine.  The first drop is always the worst...and once you get past that, the whole thing almost seems fun.  Screams are replaced with laughter.  You're actually (somewhat) enjoying yourself...and by the time it screeches to a halt...you almost forget about those first 30 seconds when you were mentally preparing your will.

This isn't to say that I'm going to be fine once Jonny deploys.  I don't think I will.  I don't think I ever will be, until he comes home.  I guess what I'm trying to say is...the anticipation is the worst.  Knowing that he's in Minnesota and that I can't see him when I want to, or call him whenever I want to is wearing on me.  Knowing that he's so close, yet so far away at the exact same time is painful.  Not that I'm trying to push him out the door (I'm not), but I feel like it'll be easier to go through the motions, and fall into some kind of comfortable pattern once he's gone.  It's like the difference between being told you can't eat the freshly-baked cookies on the counter, or knowing that you can't eat any cookies, because there aren't any cookies in the house.  There's less temptation with the second, so it's easier to deal with.

::sigh::

Is it 2012 yet?