There's so much that I want to say...but I don't know how to say it. I'm not a whiner. I'm not a complainer. I'm hopelessly optimistic and a hopeless romantic. But I know how to deal with those emotions...that's the easy stuff. It's when things get hard. That's when I feel the need to consult everyone and their uncle. That's when I feel the need to "unload". Not whine. Not complain. Just get it off my chest, so that I don't burden the person in question -- with all those issues. Make sense? I dunno...it's just the way I'm hardwired.
Jon just got back from his first mission. I didn't hear from him while he was gone. Come to find out later, he forgot to pack my phone number, and didn't have it memorized. The only person he did call, while out on the road, was his mother, and he made sure to ask her how I was doing, and tell her about the phone number snafu. I took that as a positive sign. Actually, I took that as one positive sign in a series of positive signs. Up to the point when he took off, I heard from him every other day.
Yes, you read that right. Every other day.
Not bad for two people who aren't dating, right?
I didn't get into what happened the last time Jon and I actually saw each other in person. We left it at, "Let's see where we are in a year," but as soon as we did, he turned his motor into overdrive. He called more than ever before, and it seemed like our spark...re-sparked. Or at the very least, had a gallon of lighter fluid poured on it.
So I've been hanging on. I told myself that I wouldn't. I told myself that I would move on, and be open to seeing other people. I told myself that if the right person came along, I wouldn't pass up on the opportunity. But by that same token, I told myself that if my heart was still hooked, that I'd let it be hooked. Not to the point where it was detrimental to my own well being, but I gave myself permission to hold on.
That's exactly what I've been doing with Jon. And the signs (up to this point) have been favorable. No guy would waste his time calling you from a war zone if there weren't at least some feelings there. And he certainly wouldn't talk to you for 27 minutes just for the hell of it. He talked to me about moving to Pennsylvania (p.s. did I mention I'm moving? I am. At the end of the month). He mentioned transferring to the Pennsylvania National Guard. He's still talking about me to all the men in his unit, who are now razzing him for talking to me, and continuing to stay involved, after he essentially swore-me-off at the BBQ from hell in July. Would you really talk to your boys about me, my future job, and my big move if you didn't care? Would you call me every other day? I've let myself believe that these are signs that he still cares, but is just incredibly scared. I've written him letters every other day. I've sent a care package, I even caught myself referring to him as my boyfriend a couple times. None of this really bothers me if it all works out in the end. But the question is...
will it?
Or...will I wait a year, holding on to something that doesn't exist...continue sleeping with my phone...hanging on his every word...writing him, supporting him, loving him...just to have my heart smashed into a million itty bitty pieces when he comes home in June? I can't fathom going through that much pain again. I can't. I simply can't.
But when I get snapped at on the phone today at 6am...when the only thing he has to say after receiving 150 phone cards in the mail is, "you didn't pay for these, did you?"...when I jokingly say, "You laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuv me," and he tells me not to put words in his mouth and spoon feed him his feelings...when he tells me it bothers him that I talk to his family, when just a week ago...he told me it didn't bother him at all...well...what am I supposed to think?
It seems so out of character, based on his actions for the past month. I'm hoping he'll snap out of it. I'm hoping his first mission was just stressful, and I was his verbal punching bag. I'm hoping that tomorrow my sweet little Jon will come back...because that phone call?
left a sour taste in my mouth.
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